FINDING ABSOLUTION
by reidfan1971
Summary: The things you thought you had hidden away in your mind always finds a way of resurfacing when you least expect it. They will either make you stronger or weaker... the choice is yours. REID centric, but whole team. What ONE of them goes thru... they ALL go thru. Reid takes a journey into his past. Warning: mentions of drug abuse, torture, death. Non-Slash.
1. Chapter 1: Somethings Up

FINDING ABSOLUTION

By reidfan1971

Finding Absolution ~ Sometimes, when we least expect it, the doors of our subconscious mind slowly open… making us deal with things we would rather forget.

** WARNING** mention of drug abuse, depression

K, English, Adventure & Friendship, Suspense, Angst, Comfort/Non slash: S. Reid, D. Morgan, A. Hotchner, J.J., D. Rossi, P. Garcia, Tobias, OC., E. Prentiss

DISCLAIMER – I own nothing of Criminal Minds. Just this story & my OC. This is my 1st EVER Fan write… Please Read & Review & be kind, but honest. I can only get better if I know where to improve. Thanks.

 **PROLOGUE**

The case was finally over. It was around 10pm, on a Friday night, as the team slowly shuffled in to the jet, taking their seats. Exhaustion was an understatement. They couldn't wait to just get back to Quantico, fill out the basic report about this case, & then head to their beds for a long, much needed, restful weekend.

This case dealt with kidnapped & eventually murdered kids; it was a case that shook each profiler to their core. The details were gruesome, the outcome unexpected; but the way it bothered one of them the MOST... was almost unnerving.

Kid cases almost always bothered the Hotch, JJ & Rossi more than the others, since they were the only three who are parents. But tonight, sadly, it was the way it was effecting his youngest agent that really became concerning to his team.

 _ **Chapter One: It all starts somewhere**_

As the team arrives, earlier than their normal 8am work time – now, they were called to meet at five a.m. on this Tuesday morning in the conference room. They were immediately drawn to the images on the screen of the 4 little boys, who had been beaten & killed, only for their bodies to be dumped in a cornfield. As they started looking at the information being given to them; it wasn't long until the unit chief looked at them & decided they would finish this discussion on the jet, as they headed to a small rural community in the corn belt of Illinois.

After an hour on the jet - sharing ideas, going over the victims files, & getting duties handed out for when they land; everyone finally sat back for the rest of the flight - trying to get some sleep before they arrived. Rossi, JJ, & even Aaron all dimmed their overhead lights, closed their eyes, & quickly fell sleep. Morgan stretched out across 2 seats, with his back leaning against the window & put his headphones on as he closed his eyes to rest. Reid however, laid on the couch in the corner, where he usually rests, but was tossing & turning so much that it caught Morgan's eyes. Morgan debated with himself if he should go over & chat with Reid, to see what was bothering him; but before he decided, Reid seemed to settle down a bit, so he chose to just wait & talk with him about it later.

After landing, being greeted by & introduced to the local agents, given their vehicles to use, and breaking up to go to their designated duties; Morgan & Hotch headed to the cornfield, where the latest victim ~ Boyd Allen, age 6, was discovered. While driving, Aaron noticed how quiet & distracted Morgan was, barely speaking a word. When he asked Morgan if everything was OK, he noticed that Morgan was definitely troubled by something, but didn't it push when Morgan shrugged & blew it off. Hotch quietly decided to just observe Morgan during this case & would only discuss it again if it continued to be a problem.

Meanwhile, Rossi had drove to the M.E.'s office to get the autopsy results & evidence gathered from the victims, at the local Coroner's Office. JJ was busy doing interviews with the victims' families at the police station, trying to get any information she could on the boys' activities before they were taken. And Reid was doing the geographical mapping in the conference room they were set up in, pinning up the locations & cornfield sites.

Everyone was starting to meet up in the room, to go over any new information they had gained throughout their day. As Hotch entered the room, he smiled to see Morgan approaching Reid with a fresh cup of coffee, knowing it was Reid's life source drink. But it didn't take long for him to become concerned as he watched Reid jump at the unexpected contact. This wasn't unusual behavior from Reid, when he was engrossed deep in thought; but he wasn't busy at the time. Reid was looking out the window, but yet seemed to be a million miles away in his thoughts. And even more worrisome was when the hot cup was offered to him, Reid smiled, gratefully accepted the cup, but set it down next to three other half drank cups & showed no interest in it at all. This didn't go unnoticed by Morgan either. The distracted & almost depressed behavior of Reid, didn't go unnoticed by his team or by the unit chief during the rest of the case.

After being up for a straight 38 hrs, without having any new leads to work with, Hotch decided everyone should leave to have a nice sit down dinner together, instead of another cheap take-out fast-food meal. Then when dinner was over they would all head back to their rooms at the hotel Garcia arranged for them to stay at; giving them a quiet evening & early to-bed night, so they could all start the next day alert & refreshed.

While at dinner, everyone discussed the case still, bouncing theories & ideas off of each other, just in a more relaxed atmosphere. There were moments of laughter & past memories shared, some on a personal nature, some involving prior cases that gave them more insights about this case. At one point during dinner, Reid had excused himself to use the restroom, and Morgan texted Hotch privately & asked if he could room with Reid, since everyone was doubling up on rooms. This was always a discussion – almost a joke amongst the team, because Reid had a fear of the dark & like to sleep with a light on. But tonight, Derek wanted to be there, so he could try to get Reid to open up about anything that might be bothering him.

Before everyone departed for the night, Hotch gave room assignments out. Then after saying their goodnights while heading their separate ways; Morgan & Reid entered the double bed room they would share. Morgan let Spencer use the bathroom first to shower & get changed for bed. While the shower was going, Derek was surprised to have a knock on the door. Aaron & Rossi explained they were there, wanting to talk with Reid & see if they could find out what was wrong; their concern growing daily about him. After Morgan explained that he would handle it, if they would let him, so Spencer wouldn't get to defensive and not open up to any of them. After hearing Derek's plan & agreeing with him about how he was going to handle it, they left before Reid got out of the shower.

After Derek had his turn in showering & getting changed into his bed clothes, he came into the bedroom to see Spencer already asleep but tossing, turning, & moaning NO in his sleep. This really started to worry Morgan, making him wonder if Reid was having memories of Maeve being killed again. He knew Reid struggled with them for a long while after she died, but he thought Spencer had moved on enough – to where he didn't scream out or have nightmares anymore.

Derek sat there for over an hour watching the restless sleeping Dr. Reid; wondering what he could do to help his best friend, who's like a little brother he never had. Just as Derek was about to climb into his bed, Spencer shot straight up in bed, gasping for air & shaking uncontrollably; clearly distressed & disoriented. Morgan ran over to him, trying to help him become more aware of where he was & to get his breathing under control. After a couple of minutes of Morgan's reassuring words, he finally calmed himself down; he looked at Morgan, halfway embarrassed- halfway sick to his stomach. He apologized to Morgan for disturbing him, then got up & went into the bathroom. Hearing the shower kick on, he decided to stay up & wait for him to get done, so they could talk… he didn't care if it took all night – he was going to get to the bottom of whatever was happening.

When Reid finally came out, he look extremely exhausted. He had red eyes like he had been crying, the dark bags under his eyes looked darker than he could ever remember, & he was scratching at his arm aimlessly. Derek hadn't seen the scratching since Spencer was recovering from his Dilauted use years ago. This EXTREMELY worried him. Has Reid been using again & nobody noticed? How could they have let that happen? They all promised to be more observant & NEVER let it be an issue Reid would ever have to deal with alone. It also would explain his mood swings lately, not to mention the troublesome sleeping & lack of caffeine consumption these days. Morgan's hand came down across his face, as he took in a slow, deep breath; trying to figure out just how to start this much needed conversation.

Reid tried to go straight to bed & try not to have the discussion he knew would be coming, considering the room light was still on & Derek was sitting up in his bed – patiently waiting for him. He watched Morgan's body language briefly, as he walked past Morgan's bed to go climb into his own. Before Morgan had even a chance to approach the subject with Reid, Spencer climbed into bed, turned off the light & looked at Morgan briefly to tell him "don't worry, I'm fine & not talking about this tonight. I'm very tired & just want to get some sleep before we have to meet everyone in the morning… & I would think you want to do the same".

Totally flabbergasted by Reid's attitude & yet knowing they were both extremely tired, Morgan didn't push the issue AT THAT MOMENT... but told Reid "that's fine pretty boy. But don't think THIS is over yet. I'm worried about you & we WILL be chatting about it. PLEASE come & talk to me IF you find you WANT to talk before we get to it. I'm here for you. We DO have a serious case to deal with; we NEED to be on top of our game in the morning & since WE need our sleep… IT'S over for now. But know this… I AM KEEPING AN EYE ON YOU" ~~ "goodnight Genius.

Reid huffed with a giant sigh & yawn, turned his back towards Morgan, then closed his eyes waiting to fall asleep. Derek noticed about an hour later, that Reid's breathing became shallow & peaceful & concluded that he must have fallen asleep… FINALLY! Morgan took this opportunity to close his own eyes & to get some MUCH NEEDED sleep before the day began again; thinking to himself that he hopes Reid gets a full night of undisturbed sleep he desperately needs.

Well there you have it… first chapter DONE J SO EXCITED !  
Please R/R. Leave comments or suggestions. I look forward to hearing from you all !

I hope you all enjoy it. I will be updating soon. ESPECIALLY if I get a lot of reviews.


	2. Chapter 2:Troubling Times

First ~ business ~ as ALWAYS, I do not own Criminal Minds or any of their characters . Just my story & the OC'S in this story.

Secondly ~ Thank You so very much for the Reviews, Encouraging words, ideas, Favs & Follows. MUCH APPRECIATED ! Sorry it took so long for this chapter to post, I was having pc issues. PLZ Forgive !

This is not only my first CM FF story, but my FIRST story ever... so it means a lot to have you all along on this ride ! NOW:

~ Chapter 2 ~

The next morning, after a good night rest & a quick continental breakfast at the hotel, the team all gathered in the conference room to start going over the evidence again & to put a profile together. They no sooner gathered the local officers to give the profile, when the Captain got a call that another little boy, Jason Jeffries- age 6, had gone missing. His parents were being brought to the station with a picture of him.

Once they arrived they informed the team that he had gone missing after they put him in bed last night, & only discovered he was gone when he didn't get up for breakfast. They were very confused how or why someone would break in & take him. The Jeffries were considered "hard working, family oriented, good people; always ready to help their fellow neighbors whenever they could". They lived on the outskirts of the small rural town, with open fields full of growing crops & abandoned farmhouses scattered all around, due to the Freddie Mac foreclosure problems. While it gave the unsub a great advantage to do the abduction without being seen, it would have been hard to not be noticed driving anything away that late at night, because the only noise you hear are the sounds of nature at those hours. With cooler temps lately, the house had the windows open. They have a long gravel driveway, & a security system with surveillance cameras installed and trail cameras with night vision- mainly to capture wildlife.

Hotch immediately got Garcia on the phone & she was able to link into their video feed & see the abduction that happened at 2:38 A.M., hours after the Jefferies had gone to bed. Jason was a perfect match for the profile. Just like the other kids, he was the right age, brown hair, brown eyes, & loved being outdoors. One of the local officers recognized the unsub to be a local male by the name of Joseph Tillman. He's in his mid 30's, physically built, and had no problem carrying Jason out of his window. He had cut the screen completely out to gain access. The house was a ranch style & the windows were low enough to the ground no ladder was needed for him to get in & out without any problems.

The unsub wrapped Jason in a big blanket & then putting him into an army style duffle bag, & carried him over his shoulder & went into a nearby tree line. This told the profilers that he must be fairly close, if he was walking to his hide-out. They agreed he was probably hiding in an abandoned building fairly closed by. This also fits the geographical profiled area too, since all of the cornfields where the bodies were found are with in miles of this general location. They immediately headed out to the scene to look for clues or trampled grass to help indicate which way Tillman headed with little Jason.

Aaron flew over the area in the local PD's helicopter. They decided an aerial view might just give him a better look at the ground area that needed searched. Morgan & Reid left in one SUV, while Rossi & JJ followed in the other SUV. Once on the scene, Rossi & JJ went in to the house to search. Derek & Spencer headed into the tree line & the field it was adjacent to. They all knew time was of the essence if they wanted to keep little Jason safe. The profile dictated that Tillman would rather die than be brought in alive, making him extremely dangerous.

Rossi came across the radio that the house was all clear & then everyone joined Reid & Morgan in the tree line. Morgan was the first one to discover a path leading to a big open break in the trees. They all quietly followed behind him, and finally came close to an empty two story, big red barn; like what you'd see in a picturesque scenic calendar. It was so old & run down though that it truly looked like if a giant wind came along it would fall down.

As the barn became flooded with police & FBI personnel, JJ noticed Reid hanging back, allowing everyone else to enter first. Before she could approach him, he took off running towards the edge of the cornfield, which was located right next to the barn property line. JJ was close behind, radioing that they needed assistance… not really knowing exactly WHAT Reid was running after. When she finally caught up to him she smacked his arm & told him "Spence…don't do that to me, NOT AGAIN. YOU PROMISED." She was referring to the Tobias Hankle incident where Reid got drug out of a cornfield, kidnapped, beaten & almost killed. Spenser let out a silent chuckle & nodded in agreement, then motioned for her to be quiet & listen; as they listened for movement in the corn.

Shortly after, Tillman came out of the field thinking they had left; but got surprised when he found all law enforcement personnel surrounding them & aiming their weapons at him. He grabbed Jason at gunpoint threatening to kill him, if they didn't back off. Reid, who was closest, started talking with Tillman; pointing out that "it wasn't too late for it to end peacefully". Jason looked dirty & scared, but not beaten yet. Jason was looking intensely at Reid, crying silent tears, trying to be brave. The unsub screamed out of anger at Reid "you don't know what it's like, to be abandoned by your father at a young age because you aren't good enough, only to be left to an alcoholic mother who hates you because he left. These boys need to be removed before they end up tearing their families apart".

Reid continued trying to talk Joseph down, without bringing in HIS family history & how he could relate somewhat – instead he pointed out how killing Jason would only tear his family apart faster – not make it stronger. Even with all of his conviction, he failed to get thru to the Tillman. In one swift, spontaneous movement, Joseph pushed Jason to the ground, raised the gun to his temple & fired, killing himself before anyone could even respond.

Jason was covered in blood as Tillman crashed down on top him. Spencer rushed over to him, throwing the dead body off to the side & picked up a screaming Jason, who was traumatized & terrified. Reid took off his jacket & wrapped it around Jason, rocking him gently as he wiped Tillman's blood off of his face. They waited for Jason to settle down before moving him to the waiting EMT's over by the barn entrance. Reid started talking to him, telling him "how brave he was, how his mommy & daddy were waiting for him to get home and how proud they are of him." Spencer repeatedly told him in a very soothing & almost tearful voice, "you did nothing wrong, none of this is your fault. This was just a bad man who made bad choices. Sometimes even a bad man gets scared & don't really mean to hurt others, but they do. He was just scared, so he pushed you down so you wouldn't get hurt".

As Jason started to quiet down, Reid picked him up & started carrying him to the ambulance as the rest of the team walked slowly behind them, sharing worried glances back & forth between each other. They could see how clearly shaken Reid was, probably because of how Joseph chose to shoot himself - in the head, just like Diane did when she killed Maeve right in front of him. That image came flooding back to all of them like a bad nightmare, as they tried to shake THAT image from their minds too.

They could make out some of the conversation going on between Reid & Jason, while they made their way up the path. As they listened, Spencer was telling little Jason how "he use to have a very good friend named Jason too, who was very brave & who also saved kids from bad men & helped them to go home to their mommies & daddies". The team could hear Reid's voice wavering at the mention of Gideon's name, the sadness still very present even after all the time that has passed since his murder.

Once Reid gave Jason to the EMT's & made sure he was safely in the ambulance, on his way to the hospital to be reunited with his parents; he turned round to the concerned faces of his team, his family. Without saying a word, he walked over to the SUV, opened the door & got in, waiting to head back to the police station. Morgan was about to climb in to the SUV with Reid, when Aaron gently grabbed his arm & motioned he wanted to drive. Morgan nodded in understanding & climbed into the other SUV with JJ & Rossi.

The drive back to the station was a quiet one. Reid just stared out the window & Hotch observed the genius as his facial features showed a large range of thoughts going thru his mind. In the other SUV, it wasn't much different since no-one was talking. They seemed to be lost in their own thoughts about this case, all they've witnessed & the overwhelming concern for their friend & how all of this would be affecting him. They were actually relieved that Aaron was with Reid, knowing the unit chief had a way of knowing just what to say to him, in the correct tone & at the right time.

Once they arrived back at the station, the others went inside to gather their belongings. Reid still hadn't spoken when they pulled in. The unit chief decided to start the dialog before Spencer could get inside; thinking they would have more privacy in the SUV. Reid hadn't even noticed they were there yet when Aaron asked him if he was ok? Snapping out of his idle trance at the sound of Aarons voice, Reid looked at Hotch & nodded yes with a confused look on his own face.

The Unit chief slightly turned to face Reid & stared at him for a few seconds, then proceeded to say, "I know this has been a rather difficult case for all of us, but you just seem a bit distracted. You have done a great job on this case, whatever is bothering hasn't been effecting your work - I'm just concerned about you. If you have something you want to talk about, I would hope by now that you would know I am ALWAYS here for any of you to talk with. We have shared many things over the last 10 yrs & we are our own unique family unit. We rely on each other in lots of ways, & I just wanted to remind you of that".

Reid looked misty eyed & conflicted all at the same time, when he spoke to Aaron saying, "I do know that. Thank You. Over all these years, you have been there for me thru everything. You are more than a supervisor to me, you are a very good friend. Yes, I have something going on right now, that I am trying to deal with; AND I am glad that it didn't get in the way of my job performance on this case, BUT for now I just need to continue to sort things out for myself. IF I find I need you OR the others, I will definitely find someone. But THANK YOU again for the talk. DON'T WORRY about me, until I tell you to worry about me, ok"?

And with that Aaron nodded in his own understanding, still perplexed at what could be bothering him so much, but wanted to respect Reid's privacy, so for now- he dropped the subject. But resounded himself to still kept a watchful eye on him from a distance. He wasn't going to just walk away & leave him feeling abandoned like so many others have in Reid's past. They WOULD be there for him… no matter what or when. Family sticks together, good times & bad.

After everyone was ready, they said their Goodbye's & Thank You's to the local Law Enforcement Officers, then headed back to the jet. It was 10 pm on a Friday night. The ride home wasn't very joyous like other times, even though they were able to save little Jason. Because of the late hour, it being a long case, & paperwork that would need to be finished before they could start they relaxing weekend, they all settled back in the seats just waiting to get back to Quantico.

Even still, there was one thing that kept weighing on their minds… REID & their concern for him. No-one liked the idea of him being all alone, all weekend. This weekend though everyone had already shared that they had other plans already. Hotch, JJ, & Will were supposed to be taking the boys on a camping trip on Saturday morning. Morgan had get-a-way plans with Savanah, & Garcia was traveling to a tech convention, but somehow, someone would be available for him… if he need them.

*** on to chapter 3. As always please READ & REVIEW ***


	3. Chapter 3: The Cabin

FINDING ABSOLUTION

DISCLAIMER – I do not own Criminal Minds or its Original Characters, but I sure wish I did. I own my OC's & this story. That is all.

A/N: Now… Thank You to all of my Favorites and Follows. I especially want to thank the Guest, who may not read this, but who was very kind in giving me some constructive criticism. I can't grow as a writer, if I do not know any of my flaws. So thank you again. I also appreciate the ideas and encouraging words in my comments from tannerose5 & Sue1313. I am really enjoying writing this story and wasn't even sure in the beginning if I should try. Fail. Try again. Fail again. Try harder. (JG)

Chapter 3: The Cabin

The sun was starting to peak thru the little gap in between the curtain panels, casting a foggy look into the darkened room. The air smelt stale. The warmth coming from under his covers, creeped up to his nose, creating an uncomfortable heat sensation causing him to let out a long, deep sigh. The night had totally slipped by as he rolled back & forth in his bed, trying to find "the perfect position" that only happens right before you have to wake up. Spencer chuckled at the irony in that thought. Usually by then you are so exhausted and want nothing more than to close your eyes, ready to sleep the eight hours your badly is craving for; but knowing that moment has now passed as you have get up & start your day.

As he headed to his kitchen, longing to quiet the genius brain that just wouldn't stop, with a hot cup of freshly brewed coffee; he stopped and rubbed his sore tired eyes, trying to ease some of the painful pressure behind them. While sipping his caffeinated life force, Spencer came to a spontaneous decision. "I NEED TO GET AWAY, regroup and refocus. Maybe go somewhere calm and peaceful, no electronic signals to be found, so no-one can disturb me".

Reid looked around his depressingly lonely apartment, the perfect get-away spot came to mind. He knows its layout well, it's been sitting empty for a while, and at one time – years ago- it was a sanctuary for him when life became too overwhelming or confusing. The only difference is now, the one who helped him get his bearings and get grounded again in life … wasn't there anymore; but Gideon's cabin IS THE PERFECT SPOT for him right now.

After grabbing some clothes, books, his GO bag (just in case they were called in- since there WAS cell reception there), THE ever important messenger back, some groceries out of his cabinets and HIS set of cabin keys Gideon had given him during those precious days of long ago; Reid headed out for the scenic drive there. He hadn't been there since Gideon's murder was finally solved and they all left to head back to Quantico, but the thought of "just being there. Gideon's place. His solitude" gave an almost immediate sense of inner peace; but it also was bringing back painful memories and a deep sadness that Spencer had buried in a room of his mind, months ago.

Gideon's cabin hadn't changed from how his eidetic mind remembered, after being there not that long ago. It seems that Stephen, Gideon's son, had left it just as it was after the murder of his father; Reid thought to himself, "Probably too distraught to deal with it at that time". Spencer brought his belongings inside, took a deep long breath and slowly blew it out; trying to collect the emotions that came flooding back to his heart like a tidal wave that had just hit him head-on. "I CAN do this, I NEED to do this" became his personal mantra, as he started getting settled in for what could prove to be a very long and much needed personal reflection time.

He worked at cleaning up the cabin for several hours, knowing Gideon was most likely spinning in his grave for the shape it had become. Weeds all overgrown outside, dust, cobwebs, even a little bit of mold on a wall under a window that had been left cracked open. The most difficult thing to get cleaned though, was where he scrubbed with soap & water AND a large puddle of tears that came not only from his brown eyes, but also from the hole in his heart - that was left open & raw; the dried, soaked-in blood stain on the hard wood floor. Gideon's blood. The liquid that had kept his heart, brain, body & soul intact to be the man Spencer had come too admire and even love. NO, not in a sexual way; but rather as a best friend, mentor, confidante; some have even referred to him as a father-figure of the team.

Spencer had taken a steaming hot shower to get cleaned up before supper, and now after eating a sandwich & some raw veggies he had brought with him; it was now time for him to relax. With the sunset starting to darken on the little cabin in the woods, Reid sat back on the porch, leaning against a pole, star gazing. As he sat there, watching the birds settle down for the night, listening to nature songs of frogs, owls, and insects buzzing by – the ever busy nonstop brain slowly started to fade into a fog of nothingness. A rare but welcomed state. He could truly see why Gideon loved it out here so much.

Deciding to wait until morning to deal with the reason of WHY he came up here, he locked up the door (city boy habit) behind him, opened the hide-a-bed that would become his nighttime slumbering place (because he just couldn't bring himself to sleep in Gideon's bed – after all, it _was_ Gideon's), and allowed himself to drift away into a quiet, peaceful, much needed sleep that was a rare event anymore; **NEVER** imagining that he would actually wake in the new morning feeling 100% rested, more like himself than he had in years.

The cool wet dew on the grass outside, tickled his bare feet as he slowly walked down the smooth rocked path to the wooden dock that reached out in to a beautiful pond. A steaming fresh cup of coffee was in his hand as he joined creatures all around him start to awaken and watch the sunrise. Surprising himself by speaking his thought out loud when looking out & saying… "It's so very tranquil, almost surreal. I forgot life isn't always about the hustle & bustle". The fog was slowly lifting over the pond as the air above it started to warm up. The warm rising sun felt as good on Spencer's skin as the delicious life force, known as coffee to most people, warmed him up with its consumption. It had way too long since he had been here and spent a quiet and relaxing time for himself.

BY time he had gotten up off of the dock and headed back into the cabin to refill his coffee, or as his team mates jokingly referred to it as his _sugary drink,_ Spencer noticed that the time had flown by already; as it was now almost 10:30 am. Not really having a set agenda for the day- **NO** this was a slowdown, do **NOTHING** except maybe "think  & sort" his mind out a bit – kind of day; Reid chose to stay in his pajamas, picked up his favorite book that held so many cherished memories for him – The Narrative Of John Smith- and headed back out on the porch to sit and read a while.

With the exception of going inside a few times to make some new coffee or to use the bathroom, Reid spent most of the day sitting, reading, pondering and yes at times remembering some painful memories that never seem to be too far away. He didn't even realize that he had skipped lunch, until his growling stomach got his attention. Reid looked at his watch as he entered the kitchen and decided since it was almost 7 PM, he would just snack on some cookies instead of making another sandwich. After putting the cookie bag on the table, grabbing some milk out of the fridge to drink along with them, Spencer sat back in the chair and began nibbling _and of course_ … thinking.

Spencer couldn't help but to chuckle as his thought process was wildly going down a mental path that he tries to avoid AT ALL COST. It always amazed him how something so minute, like this bag of cookies, could render a string of WHAT IF'S - that would end up with him in tears as he longed for the love of his life, his Maeve. " _What if_ …she hadn't died? _What if_ … we had been able to date properly, meet, and get married? _What if_ … we had children together- who would they look like more- her or me? Or what if… we were able to grow old together and die peacefully in each other's arms? Would we have had nights spending time up her at this cabin, eating cookies together, listening to natures lullaby, or star gazing? Wasn't THAT what a "normal" life is supposed to be all about? Totally and completely loving someone, spending your life together trying to give each other the greatest gift you can give someone …UNCONDITIONAL LOVE?"

As the memories and emotions began to overwhelm him, Spencer laid his head down on the table… sobbing, praying for the tears he cried to fill the void left in his heart. After about a half hour or so of being in his state of heart-wrenching, sore red eyes, snot dripping mourning… he took a deep cleansing breath, wiped his eyes, and shuddered off the negativity that had been released. In all honesty, the pain was still very real, mourning her had never ended, as it just became compartmentalized in to a room in his mind… so Reid could carry on with life. BUT now… Spencer mourned freely. "Maybe he would find a way to make sense of it all and find happiness again".

Spencer slowly regained control of his thoughts, surroundings, and emotions as he sat at the kitchen table. The emptiness was very present in the lonely old cabin, as it oozed out of every log it was built with. It seemed that it longed for Gideon's presence as much as Spencer did. Before Reid could shake those thoughts out of his mind, to rise up to go to bed (even though it was still very early – especially for him), he became VERY WORRIED as an alarm sounded that someone was coming up the drive. Reid found his heart racing at the approaching headlights. Curiosity looming, the lone thought repeated in his head… "Who's coming? No-one knows I'm here.?!"

A/N: BUM, BUM, BUM… trying a little cliffhanger. As always please READ & REVIEW. !


	4. Chapter 4: Wisdom and Insights

FINDING ABSOLUTION

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of Criminal Minds or their characters… sadly. I do own this story and my OC's.

Chapter 4: Wisdom and Insights

The approaching headlights seemed to take forever to arrive at the front porch of the cabin. Reid was just a bit nervous as he waited inside the cabin, looking out of a window, to see who the mystery person was. This is private property & only a few people actually know this cabin sits back here at the end of very long, winding gravel road. His apprehension became heightened at the sound of the engine turning off and a car door closing.

It was so dark outside tonight, that even in the mid- evening hours, with all the trees casting shade from what little moonlight was present, he wasn't able to see a figure exit the vehicle. As footsteps slowly began stepping onto the wooden porch, finally coming to a stop at the door; Spencer's heart raced so fast that he thought it would explode right out of his chest.

The doorknob slowly began turning and the old creaky door slowly opened, causing the young genius to grab the closest weapon he could find…. A baseball bat leaning in a corner by the door. Much to his surprise the person standing before him now, was the last person he would've expected to see. Reid couldn't help but hide the confusion that flashed upon his face as the "mystery person" looked as startled as he was feeling too. Standing in front of him, about to drop the handful of belongings, was Gideon's son Stephen.

Reid embarrassingly waved, putting the bat back in its proper spot and rushed over to help catch the items in the brown grocery bag that had ripped and were now tumbling to the floor. "Uh hi Stephen" Spencer said a bit awkwardly, unsure if he would be mad that Spencer was there. Stephen walked in farther, closing the door behind him, and said "Hey Spencer, I –uh- didn't know anyone would be here". Reid responded with, "yeah, neither did I. I uh- hope you don't mind; I was just needing a little quiet time to myself to think and decided to use the key your dad gave me several years ago to let myself in". Stephen smiled and spoke, "Hey man, no problem. I just had some vacation time to use, so I thought I would come up here & clean a bit. I haven't been here since dad died & I'm considering selling the place, since I never really have time to come up here. Plus… dad and I reconnected here several years back… and… the memories are still overwhelming at times. I want to remember the good times I had with him, not the bad… and this place… it just reminds me of **THAT** day, the day his life ended; it's hard to find happy memories -of up here- anymore. It's like the _ONLY_ thing it represents to me now… is his life that was taken from him so violently". Stephen hung his head down as tears creeped down his cheeks, turned away from Spencer then tried to compose himself.

Reid could understand the ache that his friend was feeling. Spencer walked over to Stephen and went out of his own comfort zone to offer some support, by putting his hand on Stephen's shoulder; like Morgan has done to him over the years. The emptiness once again made its presence known, like a single dark cloud, in a perfectly blue cloudless sky. Spencer couldn't help but feel the sadness his friend was experiencing as a lonely, single teardrop slid down Reid's cheek. Gideon was definitely a man who was missed beyond words, by so many who knew him.

After the two got Stephen's belongings put in Gideon's bedroom, they went back to the kitchen to share a stiff drink after Stephen's suggestion. Stephen looked at Reid and hesitantly said, "Can I ask you a personal question? You don't have to answer IF you don't want to." Reid sat there, staring into his glass of golden liquor and relied "sure, I suppose". Then a lengthy, deeply emotional conversation started, that _neither_ of them expected…

Stephen asked: "what's bothering you? You looked upset when I walked in".

"Umm, like I said earlier- I'm here trying to quiet my mind & refocus my thoughts a bit" Reid relied.

"OH, OK. I was just kinda worried. We talked A LOT about you _**and**_ the team over the years. You may not know this, and _hopefully_ he wouldn't mind me telling you this… but he was **VERY PROUD** of you Spencer _**AND**_ he kept in contact with certain people in the BAU. He sincerely wanted to reach out to you more times than I can say, but he would actually become emotionally distraught OVER thinking your response to his attempt. He always wanted to: **1** **st** apologize for the WAY he left (he told me, later – at the moment he wrote you _the_ letter, he was so disgusted with life, that he couldn't even think of meeting you face to face to explain his decision better) and **2** **nd** , to reconnect with you also. He missed you being in his life, Spence. He always told me how he would have loved to have you as a son, also. That _WE_ were the _BEST_ things to **EVER** happen to him".

Reid sat there shifting uncomfortably, deep in his thoughts about all of this. Finally he spoke,

"You know when your dad left… it hurt me in a very emotionally deep and personal way. I know NOW that it was what he **needed** to do; but it took me a very long time to forgive him; to move on without anger towards him. I would have loved to reconnect with him too. We use to have a great time just hanging out. He would always challenge me intellectually, trying to help me become a better me AND to see that life wasn't ALWAYS going to be a disappointment. I have had _A LOT_ of loss and sorrows in my life and quiet honestly… even when Gideon had left, I always knew he was out there IF I ever needed him. TRUST me when I say, there were several times that I _ALMOST_ contacted him…but **I WAS AFRAID TOO,** not that he would reject my attempt, but that I would bring darkness back into his life. Especially after he walked away from everyone and everything to get into a better place. NOW… I miss him so much, I really wish I would have tried. I don't know if it ever bothered you, how much time he spent with us; instead of with you at home? **AND** I am _TRULY_ sorry IF it caused you any grief over the years or that there was a such a good bond between him and me and NOT you during those times… but one thing **I can tell you** , Stephen… HE LOVED YOU VERY MUCH. There wasn't a day go by that he didn't talk about you _OR_ at times be thinking of calling you. He just wasn't able to allow himself to be hurt by your anger or possible rejection. THIS JOB, it takes and slowly eats away at you, like a cancer sometimes; but other times… knowing you are making the world a better place. One monster at a time, makes you realize it is eventually all worth it."

Both men became eerily still, with their own thoughts consuming them, of everything that had been discussed so far. Stephen looked up at one point and saw something hollow in Reid's eyes, like he was looking deep into Spencer's soul and then shook his head, then continued quietly, "You know… I do agree. This job DOES suck out a major part of your life - of all who dare to enter in to do it; no matter what the outcome; but I also know… that without ANY of you doing what you do, this world would be a more dangerous place to live. Spencer, I can see all the loss eating away at you. I know IF my dad was still here… HE would say, 'remember **WHY** you do it. _IF_ you can't be happy for that reason… then maybe, it's time to find happiness again doing something different.' After Sarah died, he decided to leave because of THAT very reason. Spencer he called me… the night that he decided to leave… I was scared for him; Dad sounded so very sad, depressed actually. I could almost _feel_ his broken heart, the words of loss and emptiness as they came through my phone. There was no more happiness for his world at that point. EVENTUALLY, he did find it again. Dad travelled, visited old friends, saw new places, and did new things… but this cabin  & birdwatching was his peace, even after all the horrible things he went through. "Spencer, he also told me, 'to find peace sometimes you have to look the evil directly in its face _AND_ then… be the bigger person' - and THIS was what finally did it for him – ' _ **THEN FORGIVE whoever or whatever stole the joy from your life… because as long as you hold onto it, it is constantly robbing you of your deserved happiness**_ ".

As the late night hours sped by, the two finally decided to call it a night so they could go to sleep for a couple of hours, before Spencer would have to pack up and leave. As Stephen headed off to "his bedroom", he turned to Reid, who was climbing into the hide-a-bed. "Get some sleep Spence. It's been a long, good talk AND it's been really nice having you here to visit with. If I didn't know better I might think maybe dad had something to do with the timing of it all". Spencer looked over at the young Gideon, almost amazed at what a great man of his dad's wisdom Stephen had become, even without Jason being there to help raise him most of the time. Reid nodded and replied, "Goodnight & Thank you, too Stephen. I can honestly say I feel better and maybe even clearer on **WHAT** I need to do now. You have a lot of Jason's insights and wisdom that you have shared with me tonight… words that I could hear him saying to me, as if he was right here. I miss him so much sometimes, but _NOW_ … the pain of him being gone, hurts a little bit less. I hope you get a good sleep also". With that, the lights went on dim, they both settled down in their respective beds and slowly drifted to sleep… with the wise words of Jason Gideon playing in their minds and hearts.

A/N *** well… there you have it. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. I had fun bringing in Stephen into this story. Rossi was who I actually going to write-in here, but decided that I HAVE BIGGER PLANS for him in the near future.! As always… please "Reid" and review. I LOVE the comments and suggestions AND that you are taking the time out to enjoy my story. On to chapter 5! ***

It is an "emotional response" that results from classical conditioning, usually from the association of a relatively neutral stimulus with a painful or fear-inducing unconditional stimulus. As a result, the formerly neutral stimulus elicits fear. CER


	5. Chapter 5: Memories & Lyrics

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Chapter 5: Memories & Lyrics

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any original Criminal Minds characters. I only call rights to the story idea & my Original characters.

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Fish were jumping in the lake, birds flying up above, insects buzzing to and fro, frogs croaking a song only they could understand, and one VERY content Spencer Reid was sitting on the dock enjoying the peace and tranquility the sunrise bestowed upon him. The previous night had awarded him with a very much needed undisturbed sleep; no nightmares, no guilty thoughts invading his mind, no feelings of yearning & desire for the relief from something he can NEVER have again, and no painful thoughts of a life of "what if's" with Maeve. It was only one night; but it had been so long since he had experienced such a restful sleep, that when he awoke that morning it only seemed natural to experience nature's beauty and gift of a new day.

After sitting on the dock for a couple of hours, watching the simple things in life – nature just doing what it does, reading his book, drinking his coffee _almost_ empty, and breathing in more fresh air in the last 48 hours than he had in a whole month's time, he decided it was time to head back up to the cabin  & get ready for his trip home. Stephen was awake, dressed, and from the sweet smell of the cabin and the dirty dishes in the sink… had made some breakfast for himself; when Spencer arrived up at the quiet sanctuary known as Gideon's cabin.

Upon him entering, Stephen looked up and smiled at Reid. "Beautiful here isn't it Spencer? It's actually one of my favorite things about this place; the quiet, peaceful, serenity haven. Dad always said if you want to get reconnected with yourself, this was a good place to do it. The only 'distractions' around are the _important_ ones. We came from the Earth and if life gets too difficult or overbearing as it can, then we become unattached from our 'core- our inner self' and need to reestablish that bond." Surprised at the emotional comment, Reid asked, "Stephen… just some advice… DON'T sell it if it gives you that kind of a feeling! I know you said earlier that there are too many bad memories, but it sounds more like the good ones out-weigh the bad ones; and YES, it is an AWESOME place. Your dad truly understood life a lot better than I do."

Stephen motioned to Reid to sit with him at the table. After waiting for Stephen to decide on what he wanted to say, he finally looked at Reid and said: "I really wish I could keep it Spencer. I now my dad would want me to have it, but I just can't. Work keeps me very busy & even _IF_ I could - I walk in here and the image I still can't overcome is that of him… laying here, bleeding, fatally shot, and NO-ONE here to help him. Me, I WASN'T here to help him when he needed it the most. I know logically, realistically, there was no-way of knowing **THIS** was going happen AND to be able to be here WHEN it did. But, my head knowledge won't override my heart knowledge. The heart ALWAYS feels things stronger than the head; I'm sure you can understand. It's like when you have an UNSUB that you can relate to, but in the end… it doesn't matter because that UNSUB is still going to be bad and eventually pay for doing it. Yes, head knowledge plays a part, you know WHAT the outcome will be, but it doesn't make the pain of connecting to the UNSUB any less painful."

GUILT, an emotion so raw, so matter-of-fact, that no matter how hard you TRY to rid yourself from it… sometimes… you just can't and it ends up eating away at you like a cancer. It's the endless pit of self-pity, that can't consume any light you pour into it, just continues to slowly chips away at you, a little bit at a time. Spencer understands THAT kind of emotion well. So, he sat there, looking at Stephen and eventually nodded in understanding. "You know, I understand, I REALLY DO. But I also know, that Jason Gideon… your father… would want you to do what's best for you. So you should. If that means selling and taking the good memories with you, to avoid reminders of the bad… then I get it, I do. Maybe, you could take the money from this place and put it towards something, another cabin, a boat, a scholarship at the Bureau - or _something that you can do & enjoy… _and maybe make new good memories… and then place these old good memories in there too. You know, just name the new place/thing after your dad. To honor him that way. JUST AN IDEA" Spencer said smiling. "You know Stephen, THAT'S what he would want for you…find your HAPPINESS again."

A couple of hours later, they had sat, visited, and chatted about everything & everyone; Laughing, reminiscing, and discussing life. Reid finally stood up and told Stephen "thank you for the company, the use of the cabin, the invasion of your time here, but MOST OF ALL… for your friendship & our long talks. I really enjoyed it- all of it." Stephen stood up, hand extended… shaking Spencer's, but before they knew it, they had leaned into each other, hugging like long lost brothers, finding common comfort in a deep friendship. Two men, who shared a mutual love & respect for a man – now gone- but forever in their hearts. As Stephen helped Spencer load up his car, he looked at Reid, handed him his business card with all of his contact information on it saying, "Diddo. I'm glad were could share this last weekend with the cabin. It only seems fitting it should be us here one last time. NOW… Use this anytime you want to talk. If you can't reach me, leave me a message and I WILL ALWAYS get back with you. I know how much easier it can be to talk with someone you don't see every day. You are one of my dearest friends Spencer, and I consider you part of my family." Reid smiled, pulled out his card & told Stephen "diddo". He chuckled at the expression on Stephen's face. Clearly NOT his typical Dr. Spencer Reid normal reply.

Slowly, Spencer pulled away, heading back to his high-stress, life-saving, serial killer chasing world. Stephen turned around to head back into the cabin, but he stops. Sometimes the mind plays tricks on you when you least expect it. AND NO… was one of those times for Stephen. He looked up from where he was walking and saw his dead father leaning on the porch grinning at him. Instead of shaking his head, changing his view, or even just closing his eyes (knowing it was a trick of his mind); Stephen just stood there, smiling, soaking in the view of his father's smile & love being shown to him one more time… before this vision fades away.

The ride home for the young genius was anything but peaceful. Spencer had so many things swirling around in his mind; he didn't even realize he had arrived home until he was pulling in to his parking spot at his apartment building. After he put his stuff away, he showered and got ready for bed. But like so many other nights before this one, sleep became illusive AND a world of unending thoughts and memories became his companion for the long, lonely hours of darkness that threatened to consume his very soul. Eventually daybreak would come, Monday morning would put him into a "normal" routine, and life - with all its challenges - would greet Spencer with open arms once again. But for now, it was the lyrics "hello darkness my old friend, I've come to talk with you again" that repeated over & over in between all the other thoughts in his mind.

It's hard to forget someone, who gave you so much to remember. Author Unknown -

~~~~ A/N: that's all for this chapter. Thank you again for the encouraging words, kind reviews, and for staying with me on this journey. Lyrics from the song The Sounds of Silence, by Simon and Garfunkel. I truly hope you all are enjoying it and I can promise you a few more surprising twists in the road before this story comes to an end!

As always… ENJOY, "REID" & REVIEW please.


	6. Chapter 6: The Quiet Before the Storm

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Chapter 6

The Quiet before the Storm

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any original Criminal Minds characters. I only call rights to the story idea & my Original characters.

*This story from here on out will change its rating to T+. (Now that I understand the ratings better)

*** Warning mentions of child abuse and more adult language, contains drug use and murder.

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The morning sun rose peacefully as it always did, peeking through the curtains, warming the cold dark room with its soft warm hues. Spencer became alert to its presence as he rolled over to turn off the buzzing alarm clock. As he laid there thinking about his weekend, he decided he better get up and get going. He didn't want to miss catching the subway, making him arrive late for work. As he was about to leave, he noticed his body & mind were right back to the heaviness that had earlier engulfed him, prompting the decision to get away for the weekend. With a slight shudder and an intense itching – an old familiar feeling in the nook of his elbow; Spencer shook his head, grabbed his freshly made cup of hot coffee, his messenger bag, and his jacket…then headed out his apartment door and down to the subway.

The ride up the elevator to the BAU floor should have been interesting for Spencer to enjoy listening to, as fellow employees were chatting and talking about the new coffee shop that had opened up across the street over the weekend, boasting a huge selection and variety of flavors, even expensive overseas brands & types; but as he tried to focus on the chatter, the young genius found himself strangely distracted… by thoughts that he hadn't experienced in years.

After getting settled into his desk, Spencer went to the breakroom to refill his now empty coffee cup, even though he wasn't really thirsty at that moment. Morgan, who had just walked in, approached Reid and said "Hey, pretty boy. How was your weekend?" Reid looked at him & tried to smile while replying, "How about yours"? Morgan sat down on the corner of Reid's desk and looked him straight in the eyes, making Reid shift uncomfortably under his stare; "Reid. What's up? Is something wrong? Because… you just answered _my_ question with one of your own. Good diversion tactic, but it won't work on me - you should know that by now".

Spencer shifted in his seat, debating if he should tell Morgan about what he was feeling, but decided to just try to appease him instead. "No. Nothing's wrong. Just a bit tired this morning; but thanks for asking… AND YES, I know… If I _**ever**_ need to talk, I can come to you"- with another forced smile. Derek was not really believing Spencer, but decided to call it quits _**for now**_ and said, "ok, but make sure you eat lunch today – it will help with your low energy level…a lot better than your liquid sugary substance you are constantly consuming"… chuckling as he walked away to his office. As Reid watched Morgan disappear from his sight, he noticed that he was back to scratching his elbow again. Unsure of exactly when he started doing it, he made a mental note to be more aware of his body movements; not wanting to draw concerned looks from his coworkers.

The morning was long, boring, and some might even say…monotonous catching up on needed paperwork. At lunch time, they had left as a group to go out and eat together at a local restaurant, except for Hotch and Reid. The Unit Chief promised he would meet up with them if he the mandatory meeting with Cruz ended in enough time; and Reid had politely excused himself, explaining that he had already arranged to call his mom over skype during his lunch break.

When the group arrived back from lunch, they were immediately summonsed to the conference room by Hotch and Cruz. While walking up to the room, they exchanged worried looks with each other, becoming even more concerned when they noticed the young genius wasn't already in the room. As they took their seats, Morgan was the first on to speak up and inquire about their missing friend. "If everyone would please take your seats for a moment, I will gladly explain as soon as Ms. Garcia gets in here", said Cruz.

Once Garcia came in and sat down, Section Chief Cruz started, "As you all have noticed Dr. Reid isn't here right now. I was notified during my weekly Monday morning department-head meeting this morning; we are coming under review from the brass on our failed results for the last 10 years. These are the cases that ended in an unsubs death, instead of them being brought in to face the justice system. This requires you going over those cases, getting refreshed with the details of each case - so you can answer any questions The Review Board might ask during the Inquisition session that they will have with each of you. This will be a paneled question & answer time."

Aaron politely interrupted, "We have Reid down in archives pulling all of the cases we need. Garcia got him a list to go by and will working on follow-up reports from the victims OR their survivors, to go with each case. Morgan, once Reid gets the files up here, I want you to help divide the cases up into piles of who the Lead was for each case. Then we will start on doing our reviews so we are prepared whenever they decide to meet with us."

Section Chief Cruz then continued, "As this is a PRIORITY and will be treated as such, I want to reassure you that any _major_ incoming cases will have to be worked as needed also. I realize some of these cases were… how should I say… of a more personal nature for some of you; and _IF_ you find you are having any issues reviewing them, You can come to and we will help you with the reviews. Please know this was **not** my idea, but I see this as a growing opportunity for each of us to sharpen our skills and learn from the past… even when it is possibly painful. I also wanted to take this moment to tell you all how very proud I am of each and every one of you, especially you Aaron. You all do outstanding work and I looked forward to being a part of this unit, but I never really understood the teams' dynamics and what it meant to be a part of it… until I was greeted as one of you and brought in to this unique family of coworkers. Thank you for that. So again, Please don't hesitate to come and see me if you need to."

After his talk, Chief Cruz left the room and each of the profilers took a long, deep breath… feeling the enormity of what was being asked of them. Even Aaron, who was usually emotionally unreadable, was seen reaching up to his head- brushing his hand through his hair and gently shaking his head at the can of emotional worms that was about to be opened; knowing that most of the most hardest cases, emotionally draining, personally trying and most painful cases… all ended up with a dead unsub. It was not an understatement to say that **none** of them really wanted to dig up the past if they didn't have to.

After several minutes of standing there, as their minds raced to all the cases they would be revisiting; Aaron decided they needed to have some immediate direction; "I think we should all use this time to get our desks cleared if possible, before we dive into this 'opportunity of growth." Small chuckles came from his team at his use of Cruz's words with his use of air quotation marks along with it, as Aaron tried to lighten their moods and minds.

The profilers all started to file out of the room, heading to their desks, but as Morgan headed out the door… Aaron stopped him. Waiting until they all were gone to speak with him, Hotch spoke, "Derek, I need an honest answer AND for this to be kept confidential. I have been noticing some 'oddities' with"… Derek interrupted him "with Reid? Yeah I've seen it too. I've even asked him if there was anything wrong, but he just says _no_. I'm not sure what's bothering him, but I definitely have noticed. So has JJ  & Garcia." Aaron, stood with his arms crossing his chest, looking out the window, down at the bullpen. "You know Morgan, this investigation couldn't have come at a worse time for him. Without him opening up to us NOW, before this starts… I'm afraid it could push him too hard. Trying to deal with whatever 'this problem' is… **and then…** try to go through these cases too. These were seriously some of the most difficult times in his adult life. We had Gideon, back in the day, to help him deal with this kind of stuff." He turned and Derek received a look that almost worried Morgan; here was Aaron Hotchner, a man that seldom showed emotion, who was now showing a look of uncertainty mixed with self-doubt, maybe even fear too. "Morgan, I don't know if we will be enough to help keep him grounded. I'm not positive, but I've started seeing symptoms of his 'old problem' lately. I would like to think after all he's been through… he wouldn't go down that road again; but without knowing exactly what's bothering him right now… we don't know how major his issue is. Maybe, _**it**_ is the problem…and he is too scared or prideful to tell us. I just don't know. That is why I want you to keep a close eye on him & let me know if you any signs of him 'struggling' again with it, OR if you do find out what is wrong… you will let me know immediately… if you think I need to know. Don't internally debate it, if you find you are… clearly that is a sign that I DO need to know. Ok? Derek, we can't fail him, again, if he needs us."

A/N: Just wanted to say Thanks for all the suggestions, encouragement, and constructive criticism. I truly want to be the best author I can, so it helps a lot. Tannerrose5, sue1313, LTHoBKaHC314, SpenceFTW, and my Guest; It means a lot to me that you stop to read my story & then also review. I hope I can continue to keep you entertained. I really think you will enjoy where this goes. It is just really starting to pick up, so hang In there… I promise you will not see where it's going. !  
Thanks again. As always, please Read & review !


	7. Chapter 7: The Pit

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch 7: The Pit

Morgan stood dumbfounded, at the blatant openness of his boss statement that he just shared with him; he has a major insecurity about how he feels guilty, concerning the team failing their youngest member in the past. While Derek had struggled with it over the years, he never imagined their unit chief had also. "Reid is like a little brother to me. Maybe that makes us 'too close' as coworkers in some people opinions, but I find it more motivating- to be there for him, to protect him, to help him when needed. And… he has taught me a lot about different things in life too. I will absolutely try to intervene on the cases as he goes through them, keeping a close eye on him, and yes… I definitely come to you with ANYTHING you need to know about. I promise. And thank you for trusting me with this task. I really hope it is nothing for us to be concerned with though." "Me too Derek, me too" Aaron replied.

As the day progressed, they became very concerned after Reid had been gone most of the work day, retrieving the needed files from "The Pit" - as the basement was often referred to. Aaron dialed his MIA agent's phone, to see if he was needing help with his task, but couldn't get through, due to poor cell signal in the file vault room. Deciding to go and check on him and personally offer his assistance, he headed out of his office. When he stopped by Rossi's office to let him know his concern and intensions, Dave held up his hand and stopped his friend in his tracks. "Aaron", the Italian profiler spoke in a hushed tone as he walked over to his close his office door. "I have noticed the strange behavior too. This will be hard on all of us, as we revisit these dark cases, but the kid is tough… he will handle it, like the rest of us have to. It's a shame he is required to go through these though, to relive them again. If anyone _shouldn't_ have to… it should be the one with the eidetic memory. But… Que Sera, Sera… whatever will be, will be… and there is nothing any of us can do about it; except try to be there for each other as these wounds get ripped open and exposed again."

The apprehensive unit chief sat down in one of Rossi's chairs and gave him a look that told Dave that there was more to his worry as he folded his hands and letting out a long sigh; clearly distraught and consumed with concern.

He then began, "I need to tell you something Dave about something very complicated and private. As a member of this team, a friend & confidante… You deserve to know and you NEED to know, as it might become public knowledge soon with this inquiry. It is not that we, _I_ , haven't wanted to tell you sooner… but it was a situation that developed before you came back from retirement. We've worked hard to keep it confidential; but now if this information gets out - as it might… it could potentially have bad results for Reid and all of us involved. During a case, back before Gideon left, Reid was kidnapped – beaten - and tortured – both physically and mentally. But… the unsub, Tobias Hankel, had also injected him repeatedly with Dilaudid during those days he had him; eventually getting Spencer hooked on the drug. He battled his addiction; he was even able to hide it from us for a while, before he was able to finally overcome it. He has struggled with it ever since, but as far as I know he never used after he quit. Recently, Morgan & I have noticed some of the 'old symptoms' showing up in Reid. Now… we are not saying that he is back to using, but we are saying we are very concerned for him… especially with the weight of the new task put upon us.

Rossi sat there next to his friend, gently shaking his head with sadness and disbelief responding only with a… "WOW. A genius with an IQ of 187 and he couldn't stop it from happening. It really can happen to anyone HUH? Well… then I would say _you_ , I mean _we,_ have just cause to keep a trained eye on young Spencer, but… if you don't mind… I would like to be the one down to go check on him. He won't try to hide a behavior he doesn't think I know about, but would likely try to hide it from you. Plus, I might be able to get him to open up to me a little bit about whatever is bothering him. Take it from an old man with lots of life experiences… don't worry about him, until you have something to worry about… ok?" And with that, Hotch nodded his head in agreement, stood up and walked back to his office, taking comfort in knowing David Rossi…a father figure to most of them, would be heading down to "The Pit" of the FBI building in search of the young genius.

Thoughts swirled around in Rossi's head during the elevator ride down to the file room. He couldn't help but feel a sickening feeling in his gut for what Spencer must have gone thru during that time. Then he began thinking about the difficult life Reid has been through… the troubled home-life he grew up in; abandonment issues, loss of dear friends and a first love… some in death & some in relocation. But now… he began wondering how much more the young genius could endure; especially while trying to stay clean and not succumb to an addicts craving that would bring welcomed moments of forgetfulness - like during such dark and difficult cases being brought in to the light again. He honestly didn't know how Spencer had been able to stay clean all this time. He had known so many fellow military buddies, who had gone down the road of drug use, seeking the sweet relief from their mind full of memories that would never completely go away - and none of them had eidetic memories either. To him, it just validated what he already knew and admired about the youngest member of the team… No matter what life threw at him, he will deal with it to the best of his ability. He was so much stronger than most people would ever give him credit for.

The File Room, located several levels down under the main FBI building, was actually the largest area of the property. It ran for miles under the streets - up above; it was a cool, damp location- even with it being completely sealed & waterproof. The lighting was the older 6 foot long type halogen bulbs, which were contained with metal cage type coverings on each housing unit, and were spaced about 6 feet apart from each other- on the ceiling. Every individual unit held four bulbs in each light fixture, casting eerie shadows on the filing cabinets. When even one bulb had burned out, the shadows grew even longer and the lack of light in that area would be enough for your eyes to have re-adjust to correct for it.

As Rossi made his way into this section of the building, looking for Reid, he remembered just how long it had been since he visited "The Pit"– deciding it had been right before he retired so many years ago. He chuckled at how it hadn't really changed that much, but yet just seemed to grow increasingly larger of more shelving, cabinets, and files… oh the dreaded paper files! The older profiler shook his head as he tried to calculate how many HOURS of paperwork had been put into these filing cabinets over the years. It seemed odd, but he had also forgotten the actual size of this place… and how many different "wings" or hallways that branched off into different directions; making him wonder which way he needed to go to try to find Spencer.

After walking for 40 minutes, Rossi was now 2 miles into his search and had been through many different rows to count. He finally entered a hallway that could not even be seen from the main entrance. Amazed he had never been this far or seen this location before, the curiosity & profiler in him took over.

There in front of him, showcasing this hallway was a very long wall that displayed 5 doors, each containing a room. From a glance in to the small window pane on the first door, he chuckled to himself that this room looked a lot lik prison cell, but much nicer.

In the middle of the cement gray painted walls, there was a nice oak rectangle table with 6 chairs, each holding 3 on both of the long sides. Then along the side walls, there were built in countertops – clearly for holding items or for more seating. Above the countertops, attached to the walls, were corkboards for hanging up items. The back wall held a huge whiteboard and a variety of colored markers for its use, and the light switch by the door was for 3 halogen bulbs on the ceiling. Surprisingly, there were two white bulbs with a black light bulb in between them; he assumed it was used for looking over certain forensic evidence that required a black bulb.

As the older profiler proceeded to the down the hall, peeking in each room, he learned that they were identical in looks. As he came upon the last room, he abruptly stopped before entering… totally caught off guard by the sight. He had FINALLY found Reid, but couldn't quite believe what he was seeing.!

A/N: sorry for the long delay in updating. I've been fighting a recent illness that kept me from my computer. BUT, I am ready to get back in to the writing saddle. LOL. I promise the next chapters will come much sooner. Thank for staying with me & my story, you wonderful reviews & suggestions, along with the constructive criticism. It is all greatly appreciated. ~~ I've ended with a new cliffhanger. Hope you all enjoy. !


	8. Chapter 8: Discoveries

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch 8: Discoveries

*** DISCLAIMER – Once I again I need to say… I own NOTHING of the Criminal Minds show, the original characters, or the original storylines. I only own my OC's, my fictional storylines, and my titles. Rated T for mature themes. NO SLASH. Thank You for reading.

 _As the older profiler proceeded down the hall, peeking in each room, he learned that they were identical in looks. As he came upon the last room, he abruptly stopped before entering… totally caught off guard by the sight. He had FINALLY found Reid, but couldn't quite believe what he was seeing.!_

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Over the course of his years as a FBI agent, there was very little that SSA David Rossi had not seen or been able to deal with. He was involved in the standoff at Waco, TX years ago; he was The Lead on the compound infiltration where Prentiss and Reid had been taken hostage; has talked down many UNSUBs and witnessed his fair share amount of UNSUB deaths, sadly too. He investigated psychotic breaks in people who were classified by family & friends as "the nice guy or girl next door - who could never do something like that"; and even been witness to just how much hatred there was in the world, without mental issues being involved. But… this… this was something he hoped he would never had to observe in someone he knew, let alone a friend who was more likea son to him _._

While standing in the doorway, Rossi looked in disbelief, not quiet able to fully comprehend what was happening before his eyes. He wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and open them to a completely different scene; but he knew that would not be the case. It was almost an unknown, paralyzing fear that consumed him…keeping him from entering the room. No matter _what_ it was that kept him from going to Reid, he decided he better get Hotch down there ASAP to help him _… before it was too late !_

After having to walk down the hallway a little bit to find a signal on his cell phone, Rossi sent the Unit Chief an urgent message to meet him in The Pit with the specific directions on how to get there; then he went back down to the room the genius was in… so he could keep an eye on him- until they had a chance to get a plan of action set up on how to handle this situation.

As the work day was drawing closer to an end, Section Chief Cruz met up with Hotch down in the cafeteria, to discuss a paper Cruz wanted to give him before he left for the day. While the two drank their hot coffees they had just purchased, Aaron was handed the list of questions the team would be asked. Both men looked at their cell phones laying on the table as one of them buzzed at the arrival of the new message. After picking up his phone, Aarons face immediately tensed as he read it, "THE PIT. NOW. LEVEL 3, LAST ROW ON LEFT, GO TO THE END, THEN TAKE ANOTHER LEFT. WORSE THAN EXPECTED."

Quickly standing up and excusing himself without going into details at that moment, Aaron headed to the Pit in search of his colleagues. He had known Dave long enough to know he wouldn't sound so rattled if it wasn't important. He trusted the older man… his life experiences and the wisdom that came from those times and circumstances. This message concerned him even more, because there was very few things that David Rossi couldn't handle on his own. Not knowing what the immediate situation was made Hotch's nerves more on edge, as he tried to brace himself for whatever was about to be thrusted upon him.

The walk down through the long, dark halls made Aaron pick up his pace, becoming more apprehensive as he finally approached the last turn. He became slightly startled as he made his last left turn and literally bounced right into Dave. The older Italian put up his index finger to his lips motioning that they needed to be quiet and began to speak in a hushed voice.

"I'm sure I could have taken care of this, but I decided you needed to be here… in case I didn't succeed at getting through to him. I've never seen him like this. And to be honest Aaron, it scares me to see him in such a state. I knew this was going to be difficult on us, but I didn't realize… it's like he is in overload or something. I don't think it is a psychotic break… but there just ain't something right going on in his head either. When I've called out to him, it's like he doesn't even hear me. No response what so ever."

Looking inside… Hotch soon understood what was so disturbing to his closest friend. There, in the middle of the room, sitting on top of the table… was Reid. With his legs crossed, rocking back and forth, mumbling incoherently to himself; positioned all around him were several different weapons. A long range sniper rifle, a sawed off double barrel shotgun, three hand guns, a large evidence bag containing rope- plastic bag- duct tape- a gutting knife and a package of cigarettes, two small brown boxes (one had been opened) and a biohazard bag of small syringes taped to the lids and another evidence bag with a very bloody, scalpel-type knife. What alarmed the Unit Chief the most about this scene was the two little clear bottles being endlessly caressed in shaking hands of their captor!

Not wanting to startle his troubled agent, the Unit Chief moved around to the front of the table, to allow Reid a better line of sight to see his boss. Taking a slow deep breath, he proceeded to call his name to try to get his attention. "Reid… Reid… Spencer." But having no luck of pulling him out of his trance like state of mind, he used a bit more force with his name and placed his hand gently on Spencer's shoulder. "REID" "SPENCER… REID. Can you hear me?" The loud, forceful use of his name and the gentle touch on his shoulder made Reid jolted backwards…totally unaware of his surroundings of who or what was touching him, causing him to fall off the table and fall back into the wall, banging his head off of it rather hard.

As Aaron darted around the table to try to help the frightened agent up off of the ground, he stopped in his tracks as he saw his young friend quickly curl up against the wall with his knees into his chest, shaking uncontrollably; but was uncertain if it was from being hurt, or just the sheer panic that was displayed in Reid's eyes. Before Hotch could do or say anything else, his heart felt like it stopped beating momentarily as he heard the young genius asking curiously "what are you doing?" and then in a frightened voice that was a mixture of fear, crying & begging… "Please – no. no. no… DON'T. Please don't. - I don't want it… PLEASE don't". Immediately his boss knew what was happening with Reid, as he shot an emotional glance at David Rossi, showcasing a rare unnerved look of "Oh shit !". He mouthed the word _PTSD flashback_ and Rossi moved closer to try to be of assistance.

The team didn't know most of the things that happened in the cabin with Tobias years ago. No, in all honesty, they were only allowed to see a small amount of things that actually happened there, curtesy of Charles Hankel using the internet to directly feed to them WHAT he wanted them to see. Aaron had wondered over the years if they would ever really find out what exactly took place then or _if_ at this point, it was even all that important to know. He had read the basic report from Reid, but knew there had to be A LOT that was left out. He didn't feel like pushing him after it happened; wanting to give Spencer the space he needed to recover and trusted him to come and talk with his boss if he needed to. But life got busy shortly afterwards, then the addiction came out, followed by another deep hurt after Gideon left, and then the need of focusing on his recovery took precedence. But right here, right now, Aaron knew that even though his friend  & colleague Dr. Spencer Reid was physically right in front of him, emotionally & mentally… he was back in that awful cabin… reliving being shot-up with a drug that he eventually became addicted to.

A/N: once again I apologize for the long delay. Life is crazy at the moment. I am working very hard to get a chapter up a week now, but please forgive if it goes a little longer in between postings. I love hearing from you all & hope you stick with me. This story has just started going into the next phase… so hang on. It's going to be a bumpy ride for Reid & the team very soon !

Phillip dowd, tobias hankel, diane, Gideon, Nathan harris, adam/amanda


	9. Chapter 9: Emotional Overload

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch 9: Emotional Overload

*** DISCLAIMER *** As usual, I do not own any Original Criminal Minds Characters or storylines. I only own my stories, characters, and ideas.

 _But right here, right now, Aaron knew that even though his friend & colleague Dr. Spencer Reid was physically right in front of him, emotionally & mentally… he was back in that awful cabin… reliving being shot-up with a drug that he eventually became addicted to. _

David moved closer to Aaron, as the two men tried desperately to get Spencer to calm down and not harm himself even further. For a brief moment, his head lolled backwards and his breathing quieted down. The two men called out his name again in an attempt to make eye contact with him; but that moment lasted only a few seconds, as he once again started shaking, scratching at his arm, and hyperventilating. His eyes slowly opened as his head struggled to stay upright. Whimpering, he started to cry out, "I'm not weak. I'm not weak." "Tobias… help me!" Next came a more calm and reserved declaration… "I serve you." Soon after- a more urgent, panic-filled tone… "Kill me. I lied… No, I won't choose, I won't do it." Then while choking back sob, Reid became inconsolable as he cried out, "Tobias… I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. " Sitting there with his head on his knees and short hiccup-type breathing, finally came a small almost unheard whisper… "I didn't mean to kill… _**you**_. I just wanted _**them**_ dead."

This was the first time that the unit chief had seen Spencer struggling with Tobias' death. Even after all these years, it had never been an issue. There had always been his battle with the Dilauted addiction. As much as he hated to admit it, it had never occurred to him that Reid might have guilt issues with having to kill Tobias. Reid seemed to connect with certain unsubs on a personal level sometimes, but it was just assumed that there was relief in being rescued from the killer, not guilt over having to kill the young man in order to save himself. Clearly though, that was not the case and he would have to speak to Spencer about it sometime soon.

Reid suddenly jolted his head up and the two profilers scooted back away, watching as pure terror filled his eyes. Then Reid quickly grabbed his upper left arm with his right hand and started yelling "STAY BACK, STAY BACK, STAY BACK. I DIDN'T LIE… ME FOR HER. THAT WAS THE DEAL!" Again, Hotch & Rossi were paralyzed by what was unfolding before them. Another moment of great sadness and pain that Reid had lived through; losing Maeve, the love of his life, to a psychopath… right in front of all of their eyes.

The entire team had to deal with the loss, guilt, and helplessness they felt at the outcome of that night; while trying to help their grieving friend through those darkest days of his life. But to see Spencer reliving this particular loss… was heart-wrenching, to say the least. It had taken Reid two weeks after it had happened, before he started to reconnect and finally accept his friends help. Hotch and Rossi both looked at each other, shaking their heads in understanding and agreement, that this was not good for Reid. It needed to end soon. They needed to get him back to reality before he became lost in his own world… again.

The eerie calm that instantly took over Spencer gave them an opportunity to gently approach Reid on either side and finally get him up off of the ground and in to the chair, before another memory came crashing down upon him. Rossi grabbed his handkerchief out of his inner breast pocket of his newest Italian suit he was wearing, and he gingerly applied it to the back of Reid's head that was still seeping out a small trail of blood.

Aaron knelt down next to the chair the genius was sitting in and began to slowly speak in a soft tone, much like he used on his son Jack. "Spencer. It's Aaron. I want you to listen to my voice. You are safe. No-One is here that is going to hurt you. Take slow breaths… in & out, in & out… that's right, just like that. I'm here with you and so is Dave. You are doing great. I want you to close your eyes for me for just a few seconds… ok? Can you do that?" Ever so cautiously Reid's eyes closed. Then he opened them back up about a minute later, looking around, a bit disoriented and confused.

After finally getting his bearings, but still looking bewildered, He acknowledged his boss & friend being there in the room with him." Hotch, Rossi… what's going on? What happened? Were you looking for me for something? Do we have a case?" The older men glanced at each other and then Hotch looked back at him. "Reid how do you feel? Can you walk? You hurt your head earlier and need to get some ice on it upstairs." Spencer reached up to his head, meeting Rossi's hand holding the cloth against the bleeding bump. He winced at touching it. "Ouch! Sorry guys… I didn't mean to bring you down here looking for me." Mumbling to himself, they overheard him say, "I should be able to come down here and do this simple task without needing to be checked up on or having a babysitter." He bowed his head down low, out of embarrassment, and he suddenly felt nauseous and dizzy, slightly swaying in his chair.

Rossi looked at him with his big, brown Italian eyes, that were now full of concern and said in his fatherly voice, "Come on Spencer, let's get you upstairs before you pass out on us. And No. Don't you dare feel that way or talk like that. You are not a burden to any of us… do I make myself clear? I came down here to give you a hand collecting the files since I got my paperwork done already. And let me tell you… I'm glad I did, otherwise you could still be down here bleeding all over the place, unconscious, or worse."

The walk through The Pit seemed to last an eternity and the ride up on the elevator made the injured doctor feel even more lightheaded. Had it not been for the help of Hotch & Rossi holding on to him, he was sure he would have face-planted on the floor before ever reaching the BAU floor. It was a fairly quiet ride, none of the men engaging in any conversation, with the exception of a quick "are you doing ok?" every now and then directed towards Reid. Rossi was finally able to quit holding the handkerchief on the wound, since it had stopped bleeding, once they had gotten on the elevator. This proved to be a good thing because both of his hands were needed in helping to steady Spencer.

Upon reaching the BAU floor and stepping off of the elevator, the men made their way up to the Unit Chiefs office. As they entered the room, a voice from behind them boomed out… "What the hell? Reid what happened, are you ok?" Morgan had seen them helping Reid walk into the office, and then assisting him in laying down on the leather couch that Hotch would use on late nights when he needed somewhere to briefly rest before driving home to Jack.

Rossi looked at his worried friends and told Aaron that he would go get the Ice pack out of the breakroom freezer; and quickly exited the room. Hotch put up his hand to Morgan's chest and nodded for him to exit the room with him. He leaned over Reid and told him, "Stay there and rest, the ice pack was on its way, and I will be right back… Don't get up, that's an order!" With that Spencer nodded and closed his eyes, moaning slightly as he did so.

Once the door was closed, Morgan could see the look on Aaron's face and knew something was very wrong. "Ok. Let's have it, Hotch. What the hell is going on? I know he's been gone for a while, but his face is red & tear streaked, he looks totally exhausted, and needs an ice pack for the back of his head." His boss looked down at his shoes as he took a slow deep breath then proceeded to look back up and tell Derek to get everyone in the conference room in ten minutes and he would fill them in after he gets Reid better situated. Morgan, not happy at having to wait, but clearly seeing the extra time was needed to care for his friend, shook his head and agreed to go give the message.

Hotch feared having Derek there in the room with them, would only antagonize Reid and upset Morgan; and right now he needed to have some time to talk privately with Spencer. Rossi had brought in the ice pack and a bottle of water with a small container of aspirin, and was helping to get Reid into a sitting position to take the pills. Aaron sat on a chair beside Reid and hesitantly started a conversation he really didn't want to have; but knew he needed to have. Dave could see Aaron's uneasiness before he began, and motioned to him in a questioning non-verbal body-language kind of way…"Do you want me to leave?" The distraught boss looked at his old friend and shook his head NO before beginning.

A/N: just a little surprise to get the next chapter out for all of you. THANK YOU so very much for all the kind words & excitement. HANG ON… it's getting real ya'll !


	10. Chapter 10: It's All About Honesty

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Chapter 10: It's All About Honesty

*** DISCLAIMER *** As always yada, yada, yada… no I don't own anything of Criminal Minds. Just my Own OC's and storylines.

 _Hotch feared having Derek there in the room with them, would only antagonize Reid and upset Morgan; and right now he needed to have some time to talk privately with Spencer. Rossi had brought in the ice pack and a bottle of water with a small container of aspirin, and was helping to get Reid into a sitting position to take the pills. Aaron sat on a chair beside Reid and hesitantly started a conversation he really didn't want to have; but knew he needed to have. Dave could see Aaron's uneasiness before he began, and motioned to him in a questioning non-verbal body-language kind of way…"Do you want me to leave?" The distraught boss looked at his old friend and shook his head NO before beginning_.

Trying not to distress his young agent, but yet remind him of the importance of this subject, the Unit Chief sat in the chair next to him and started, "Spencer. I know your head is hurting and we have some aspirin here for you to take, but before you do I need to know… one thing. HONESTLY, ok?" Reid looked directly into his bosses face, meeting his eyes; giving his undivided attention. "Are you back to using Dilauted or any illegal drug at this time?"

Even with his head pounding, vision a little off, and heart racing at the seriousness of the tone being spoken by Hotch; Spencer jerked his head up in a defiant manner and answered with a hurt look in his eyes… "NO. I am NOT using again OR on any other kind of drug. Not even Tylenol unless I really need it. You should know me better than that." Realizing what he just admitted to outloud, Spencer shifted uncomfortably and glanced over at Rossi. He expected to see a judgmental or even shocked look from the oldest profiler, but instead was met with caring & worried eyes.

After a disbelieving moment passed while looking at Rossi, Spencer turned his head back towards his boss. "I went down that road a long time ago and promised myself, _you_ and the team that I would NEVER go down that path again. Yes I still struggle with cravings every now and then, but I attend my meetings and have learned how to handle and overcome them. And since we are being _honest_ , I thought we had rebuilt our trust with each other about this **already**." When he finished, he let out a little huff then shook his head in disbelief that this was even happening right now. The shaking movement from his head made him dizzy again and he moaned as he laid his head back on the back of the couch.

"Look Spencer, I know this seems like I am attacking you, but I'm not… OK?" Hotch was very surprised at Reid's response. He never expected him to react this way. He knew it would be a bit of a touchy subject, but the immediate anger that was evident made him remember back when Reid did use and was very emotional and short fused with everyone.

Feeling bad for his friend who was clearly hurting and becoming agitated, he decided to try to explain and defuse the situation as quickly as he could, he continued, in a quieter & calming voice. "I just needed to know for a couple of reasons. I didn't want to give you these aspirin until I knew if they would cause a reaction to something in your system. I also needed to know if your injury was because you fell while being high. Here of late you have been showing some old signs that made me wonder and I needed to ask you. We do trust each other, and I remember your promise you made; but as your boss and friend, I needed to know if you were in trouble and just not asking for help. I don't want to see you suffering alone with something, if there is a way I can be of some help."

David Rossi joined in the conversation at that point and reminded him, "You know, we may all work together and be colleagues; but we are more than that too Spencer. We are a family. Yes, we all have our own private lives, but we also share our lives with each other. I _only_ found out about your past problem earlier today, but I would hope you know you can come to me at any time, with anything… and I will be there to help too. This life… this job is hard enough when you have someone to go home to… someone to share your day  & troubles with, but ask either of us… we know… it can be even harder when you have _no-one_ to go home to, to ease your burdens with."

Reid just looked at them both, held out his hand to accept the much needed pain meds and cool water, then laid back down with the ice pack on his head after consuming them. Hotch and Rossi got up and headed towards the door; but before leaving Aaron spoke once more to Reid, "I want you to lay here and rest a while. I will check on you in a bit, nobody will disturb you here. When I come back we will re-evaluate your pain and decide what to do from there. I think you need to go be seen by a doctor. I will take you and wait for you. If you are feeling better and they give you permission- you can go home _or_ you can stay with one of us if needed…OK?" It was more of a statement rather than a question, but Hotch wanted Spencer to know that he was not alone and that he needed to be thinking about what he would need to do next.

SSA Hotchner had not really liked having to ask Spencer about his current cravings or usage; but right now, he would rather go back in and talk with Reid some more, rather than to complete the next task before him. When you are the Unit Chief, you have certain responsibilities. Your personnel depend on you in many different ways; but right now he would need to be more of a compassionate leader, than a drill Sargent of a boss (as he had once been referred to). Aaron knew his team have all been on edge a little bit, clearly riddled with puzzling concern for their youngest member and that now he would have to deliver answers to all the questions that have been plaguing them.

Taking a deep breath before opening the door into the conference room, the Unit Chief slowly exhaled as he gathered his thoughts on how to address the concerns & questions. The blinds were closed in the room, so no-one saw him as he walked up to the door; as he entered the room, he became bombarded with intense, well-meaning, confused stares from everyone, except Rossi. He quietly turned around to gently close the door.

No-one spoke a single word, allowing their friend & boss to collect his words and thoughts. Before he began, he started with a simple and yet very authoritative statement; "I need you all to please give me your silence and immediate attention without interruptions. I will gladly answer your questions after I am done, but this matter is to be considered EXTREMELY CONFIDENTIAL. It should not be discussed with anyone else or spoken within earshot of anyone either. Do I make myself clear?" Looking intentionally at every face around the table, stopping directly upon each member, Hotch waited until he had received an agreeing nod in conformation to his request. He then started this very important conversation.

"I know you all are concerned about Reid, but I'm here to tell you that _right now…_ he is in my office resting from a very emotionally and draining incident that happened earlier down in the Pit; and also from a head wound he sustained while down there also. Earlier, Rossi went to give Reid a hand with all the files. Dave got ahold of me a little while later, when he found Reid sitting on top of a table in one of the rooms with a variety of weapons surrounding him, quietly mumbling to himself. He was clearly lost in his thoughts (like he gets sometimes); but he couldn't comprehend anything Rossi said as he tried to interact with him. I immediately received a text to come down to the Pit. When I arrived, I moved into Reid's line of sight & started calling his name with no response from him. When I gently touched his shoulder, it startled him and he fell off of the table- on to the floor- hitting the back of his head on the wall as he fell. He never lost consciousness, but I'm not sure if he doesn't have a mild concussion. Before I came in here, we gave him some aspirin, an ice pack and told him to rest for a little bit. I will check on him when we get finished here. While this fall troubles me, the incident that happened with Rossi beforehand and the one after it with me, is my main concern at this point. Reid was experiencing a major PTSD episode down there. He relived almost every horrible personal loss that he has dealt with while here at the BAU. The weapons displayed on the table, I believe were the stressors that brought this on. He was _also_ strongly clutching two tiny vials of Dilaudid that had been recovered from Tobias' house. I was eventually able to remove them; but he has been showing signs before today even, of possibly using again. I have asked him directly about it and he reassures me that he has not used since he quit. I might be being fooled, but I believe him. He became very agitated  & hurt with me for even asking, but as he looked at me directly into my eyes, I definitely saw honesty and sincerity. I think we all need to take this as a warning of how difficult this time can be for all of us. I'm not sure exactly what has been bothering him, before all of this; but I plan on keeping a close eye on him AND all of you too. I also would expect you to come to me if you suspect that I am troubled too, or at the very least let Rossi know. _Now_ is not the time for us to try to 'handle things on our own'. Again… We have been through a lot together over the years, but we have always done them as a team and that is _exactly_ how we will accomplish this too."

A/N: OK, I could have gone on for several thousand more words; but I decided this was a good stopping point. I would like to say a BIG THANK YOU to my regular readers & WELCOME to my new followers as well. As always I welcome any helpful insights & criticisms or ideas. I have a lot of chapters yet to get out, so I ask to just stay with me. I don't always have access to my story for quick updates, but I am trying to not space them out too far apart either. SO AGAIN, THANKS and have a great week !


	11. Chapter 11: A Families Love

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch 11: A Families Love

** DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately I own nothing of Criminal Minds original characters or original storylines. All I do own, is my Original characters & storylines.

" _We have been through a lot together over the years, some good & some bad, but either way we have done them as a team and that is exactly how we will accomplish this too."_

There was a deafening silence in the room, as each one tried to absorb everything Hotch had just said to them. It was surprisingly interrupted by a loud, defiant " **NO**. This is _NOT_ going to happen to us. They will not break us. They will not cause _HIM more pain_! He has been thru soooo very much - more than any of us - and yet, he still overcomes each and everything life has thrown at him. Who do _they_ think they are? They sit behind their closed doors, making judgements  & decisions from the comfort of their oversized, cushy rooms, not even _kind of_ caring whose life they might be screwing up!"

They all knew Penelope was highly emotional when it came to the team, but this outburst that just blurted out from her was not necessarily unexpected. It was however, completely and totally engrossed with emotions. Here she was; tears rolling down her cheek, trying to even out her breathing, leaning on the table with her hands- as they struggled to hold her up, and shaking from her head to her toes with an unbridled fierceness of determination. _THIS_ was the Penelope Garcia they all had come to love, each one knowing how she had even picked up a gun to protect someone she loved dearly… her Junior G.I. man.

But right now, as her legs were weakening out from the stress she was feeling; it surprised everyone in the room as their Unit Chief was the one who quickly maneuvered over to her, gently helping to ease her into her chair as he knelt down next to her. In a quiet and compassionate voice, Hotch spoke using a tone he normally used on a rescued victim. "Penelope, you need to calm down and breathe. We are all concerned and stressed right now about all of this, but getting upset is not what we need to do; it won't help Reid or any of us to make ourselves sick over this. I want to tell you how much we all need you. Without you and your unique skills… we could not have had the success as a team… that we _all_ share. Your love, compassion, empathy, passion and dedication has been gifted upon us every day that you are here. You bring the brightness into the darkness we face with each new case. Sometimes, the things in life that try to tear you down end up making you stronger and more determined. So, what we really need now from you; is for you to continue to bring the sunshine into our lives and don't abandon being the 'fount of unending knowledge' we have come to depend on. And PLEASE… especially now, DO NOT stop your unique  & sometimes inappropriate verbal chatter with us. Just remember to keep it only for us!

Upon hearing her boss use one of her famous nick-names in such a sweet way, Penelope started chuckling and became calmer. When she looked up from staring at her lap, she was met with a very unusual grin on Hotch's face, as he briefly showed her a rare smile, while trying to lighten her mood. Being the gentleman that he is, Aaron handed her a tissue as she wiped away the last remaining tears that were creeping down her cheeks. As she began to stand, her "boss man" extended his hand to help her rise. Once she was standing again, he looked at her directly in the face, and then reiterated with an equal fierceness; "I'm here if you ever need me. I hope you know now just how important of a team member you are to our odd little family."

Aaron then turned to face his team again and then stated; "it's been a long day for all of us. I need to go and check on Reid and make arrangements for Jessica to have Jack come and stay tonight. I don't want Spencer going home by himself tonight, as I'm sure you all feel the same way. Please go home and spend some quality time relaxing tonight. I will send a mass text to everyone in a little bit on his condition, before you all head to bed for the night. We will meet back here at 9 a.m. and I will go over some new details with you at that point. We will get thru this, one day at a time. Together. Now, gather your stuff & get out if here… that's an order."

Everyone started to slowly leave the room after Hotch had gone back to his office to check on Reid. Aaron went over to a restless Reid, who was in a sitting position on the couch with his eyes closed, but clearly shaking for some reason. Spencer jolted awake when he heard his boss call his name. Rossi stepped into the room, curious & asked, "How is our young genius doing?" He did not like the fretful look he received, with a shake of Aarons head conveying a message of _not well_. "I was just about to ask Reid that myself. Reid, how's your head feeling? Can you rank your pain for me on a zero to ten scale? Ten being the worst pain ever."

It took Spencer a few seconds to focus and finally register exactly what was asked of him, by his boss. His face twisted into an uncomfortable look as he answered making Hotch stare at him with uneasiness. "My head is hurting at about a 7. If I don't move it hurts less, but I am still extremely nauseous. I'm sure I have a mild…ummm… mild….?" Seeing Reid struggling for the correct word, the Unit Chief helped fill in the void with a correct answer; "concussion." Spencer looked at Aaron in a confused amazement, totally surprised that his boss would know such a big medical word. Rossi chuckled at the face Reid made in response to the right answer, while looking at Hotch who was trying to not laugh also. "Aaron, do you think we should get him looked at in the E.R. or just should I just take him home with me…so I can keep an eye on him tonight? That way your time with Jack won't be disturbed either?"

Before the Unit Chief could respond, there came a voice from behind Rossi. "Hey Hotch, if it's ok with you guys I think I can give him the best of both worlds… if you don't care?" Aaron looked over Rossi's shoulder at Morgan, who had come in to check on his friend also. "Derek… what do you have in mind?" Morgan came in a little further so he could look at Reid, who was now siting with his head back to a resting position on the back of the couch with his eyes shut tightly again; looking like someone was shining a bright light in his eyes. "Well, clearly he needs some kind of medical intervention; but none of us want to sit in an E.R. with him in this condition if we don't need to. I have already spoken to Savanah, and since she's off duty for the next 48 hours _, she suggested_ that Reid come there for her to evaluate  & we can keep an eye on him through-out the night. I can text you updates as often as you want or just let you know how it went tomorrow morning. Your choice. I'm just really concerned about him and would feel better being able to check on him myself. I think I will rest better tonight… if that's ok?"

Aaron looked at Reid and then told Morgan, "that's fine _IF_ that is what you want to do, but neither I nor Rossi have any problem tending to him if it gets to be too much. We were there for his PTSD episode earlier and it was pretty intense. I'm not saying you couldn't have handled it, because I know you can, but if he has another episode… you will need to be alert  & ready. You can call or text me at any point thru the night; I will be available to even come right over if needed." The three men all looked at each other, nodding in agreement, and Dave went over to Reid and told him to get some rest & feel better soon. He then turned to leave, putting his hand on Derek's shoulder and restating "anything, anytime. If you need me… call."

Morgan left the room briefly, and when he came back in he sat gingerly next to Reid. "Hey Pretty Boy. Are you awake in there?" Spencer slowly nodded his head yes. "I've got some pretty cool shades here for you to wear. The will help with the bright lights on the way home. You are going to come to my place tonight… NO arguments. OK?" Reid just mumbled a confirming "yep" as Derek and Aaron each grabbed an arm to slowly lift him to his feet. "I've already got your stuff and Hotch gave me the ice pack for your head. Do you think you can walk to the elevator?" Reid scrunched up his face at the thought of another elevator ride and the fear of being sick from it, but knew it would be easier than the stairs. He quietly looked at his boss saying, "Night Hotch. See you in the morning", as he staggered out of the office with his sunglasses covering his eyes. Morgan told his boss he would update him after Savanah checked out Spencer then he and Hotch exchanged unspoken "goodnights" as Morgan headed out with Reid.

~ Families don't have to match. You don't have to look like someone else to love them. Leigh Anne Tuohy – The Blind Side ~

A/N: well here's the next chapter. I hope you enjoy it. It's been a CRAZY couple of weeks lately. Next chapters should hopefully start coming more regular, as life is FINALLY slowing down again… at least for now LOL. As always, please read & review. Leave comments, suggestions, or constructive criticisms.


	12. Chapter 12: Stepping Up

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch 12:

 _Morgan told his boss he would update him after Savanah checked out Spencer, then he and Hotch exchanged unspoken "goodnights" as Morgan headed out with Reid._

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After getting his "little brother" settled into his car, Morgan drove them to his house. He could see Reid having problems staying awake, so decided to call Savanah. She informed him to let Spencer sleep, because the ride home was only 20 minutes and it would probably be easier on his headache if he stayed asleep for that time. Morgan hated riding in silence; he would have preferred keeping Reid talking for the short distance – giving him a reassurance that the young genius was ok. Instead, he allowed Spencer to sleep; keeping one eye on the road & one on his sleeping friend. Before he knew it, the car was pulling into his driveway. "Hey Pretty boy... Wake up, we're here." When Reid didn't awaken Morgan started to slightly panic. "Reid; Spencer. Wake up. Come on genius, time to go inside."

Savanah came out to the car to help get Spencer inside and immediately caught on to the tone of worry in Derek's voice as he was talking to Reid. When she opened the door, Morgan glanced at her a look of panic, expressing to her the unresponsiveness coming from his passenger. Savanah checked Reids pulse, his breathing, and then replied to Morgan that "he's just in a deep sleep. Can you carry him in or do we need to wake him?" Morgan let out a relieved sigh, then shook his head no. "I'll carry him. If he's asleep and that's ok for him… then there is no need to awaken him. Plus then there won't be an argument about him having to stay here tonight. But, I definitely want you to check him out in a bit before bed, so I can let Hotch & the others know how he's doing?" With that Savanah moved out of his way, grabbing the belongings that needed to go inside for the night, as Morgan tenderly picked up Reid and carried him inside.

Derek decided Reid should have the guest bedroom, right across the hall from his master bedroom, instead of the couch hid-a-bed (which he knew Spencer would rather use any other time). He got him settled then made his way into his master bathroom for a quick shower. Savanah had gone in and examined Spencer – waking him briefly to check him out. When Morgan finished his shower, he put on a pair of comfy lounging pants and a t-shirt, had sat down and eaten a wonderful home-cooked dinner that his "special lady" had made for them, and was now cuddled on the couch, with the lights dimmed, embraced in each other's arms, releasing the stress of the day and chatting silently about what to expect for Reid's concussion.

Savanah grabbed her laptop and pulled up the WEBMD site for him, so he could show his co-workers tomorrow, then began, "As you know, a concussion is a type of traumatic brain injury that is caused by a blow to the head or body, a fall, or another injury that jars or shakes the brain inside the skull. Although there may be cuts or bruises on the head or face, there may be no other visible signs of a brain injury. You don't have to pass out (lose consciousness) to have a concussion. Some people will have obvious symptoms of a concussion, such as passing out or forgetting what happened right before the injury. But other people won't. With rest, most people fully recover from a concussion. Some people recover within a few hours. Other people take a few weeks to recover. It's important to know that after a concussion the brain is more sensitive to damage. So while he is recovering, be sure to avoid activities that might injure him again. "

She continued, "Symptoms of a concussion fit into four main categories: **Thinking and remembering** ; Not thinking clearly, Feeling slowed down, Not being able to concentrate, Not being able to remember new information. Then there is **Physical;** Nausea and vomiting, Headache, Fuzzy or blurry vision, Dizziness, Sensitivity to light or noise, Balance problems, Feeling tired or having no energy. Next comes **Emotional and mood;** easily upset or angered, feeling Sad, Nervous or anxious, **or** More emotional than normal. Finally you have **Sleep;** Sleeping more than usual, Sleeping less than usual, or Having a hard time falling asleep. " Giving him a minute to think about each of these, she waited ntil her nodded for her to go on.

"Sometimes after a concussion you may feel as if you are not functioning as well as you did before the injury. This is called Post Concussive Syndrome. New symptoms may develop, or you may continue to be bothered by symptoms from the injury, such as: Changes in your ability to think, concentrate, or remember. Headaches or blurry vision. Changes in your sleep patterns, such as not being able to sleep or sleeping all the time. Changes in your personality such as becoming angry or anxious for no clear reason. Lack of interest in your usual activities. Changes in your sex drive. Dizziness, lightheadedness, or unsteadiness that makes standing or walking difficult. "

"Upon my examination earlier, I asked him questions about the injury, questions that tested his ability to pay attention, learning and memory. Also tried to find out how quickly he solved problems. I also showed him objects, hid them and ask him to recall what they were. Then I checked his strength, balance, coordination, reflexes, and sensation. These will be things I will do again after he has healed or, if he wants to be treated by his regular Physician, the results can be given to them as a baseline for his level of improvement."

"So basically we need to keep a close eye on him for a while, correct?" Derek asked to make sure he was understanding her. She nodded in agreement. He then asked what he should tell Hotch when he calls him. She suggested that maybe she could talk with Hotch on the phone then they both could hear at the same time. Derek took her face in his hands, smiled, leaned down and gave her a small kiss on the forehead. "Have I told you lately how much I love you? How thankful I am to have you in my life? Not just for _this,_ but because of how complete you help make my life?" She looked up at his deep, dark chocolate eyes, returned a grin that told him how much she liked hearing the words, and then nuzzled her head under his chin; listening to the sound of his beating heart, that was full of love for _her_!

After sitting there for a little while longer, as they both started to feel the sleepiness invade their bodies, she reached down to the coffee table in front of them, picking up his cell phone and handing it to him, so they could make the call. "Give me a second before you call. I want to go check on my patient so I can give an accurate update on him when I speak to Aaron." Upon returning, she sat down next to Derek and they made the call to an eagerly awaiting and very concerned boss & friend.

Finally after what seemed like days of waiting and watching it, the phone sitting beside him started to ring. Answering it on the first ring, Hotch spoke; "Morgan, how's Reid? Any change? Did he give you a difficult time about staying on the ride home?" Morgan chuckled to himself briefly, at the usually composed Unit Chief, who had now, once again let his guard down, showing the deep concern for Reid's wellbeing. Morgan completely understood this concerned rambling though, as he himself felt this way earlier as Spencer was walking into Hotch's office after the incident.

After giving his boss a second to gather his thoughts, Morgan greeted his phone guest. "Hey Hotch. Everything is fine here. Right now, Reid is sleeping like a baby in my guest room with an ice pack still on the bump on his head. The ride here was actually a quiet one, since he feel asleep before I even pulled out of the parking lot. DON'T worry, I called Savanah & she said it was safe to let him sleep. Once we got him inside and settled, she checked him out and agreed he has a mild concussion. Listen, we've been doing some talking and I have learned a lot that I didn't know about this. She wanted to know, if you want to speak with her, here on the speaker, so we both can hear at the same time?"

"Sure Derek that would be great. HI Savanah. Before you get started, please let me tell you how much we thank you doing this for Reid _and for us._ As you know, sometimes Spencer can be difficult when it comes to his health or accepting help from others, so this is greatly appreciated."

"Hello Aaron, and absolutely No Problem. I'm glad that I am available and that I can help. Spencer is a big part of Derek's life, not just as a co-worker, but also as his best friend; and I would hate to see Spencer go thru anything alone, especially a medical crisis or condition. I'm just glad he has all of you… or should I say, all of us?! Now, here's what I can tell you…"

A/N: Well, yet another chapter finished for your enjoyment, hopefully. As always, thanks for taking the time read & review, and I welcome any & all input: ideas, criticism, suggestions, etc. Take care & have a blessed week!


	13. Chapter 13: The Long Night

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch 13: The Long Night

" _Hello Aaron, and absolutely No Problem. I'm glad that I am available and that I can help. Spencer is a big part of Derek's life, not just as a co-worker, but also as his best friend; and I would hate to see Spencer go thru anything alone, especially a medical crisis or condition. I'm just glad he has all of you… or should I say, all of us?! Now, here's what I can tell you…"_

She then proceeded to explain, "Since he _does have_ a mild concussion there are things that need to be watched for, not just for tonight, but until he is completely recovered from this. I also, have shown Derek a web site you all can visit, to learn more in depth details about this type of head wound and injury. Here are some things we will need to watch for: A headache that gets worse or does not go away. Weakness, numbness, or decreased coordination. Repeated vomiting or nausea. Slurred speech. Extreme drowsiness or you cannot wake them. One pupil that is larger than the other. Convulsions or seizures. A problem recognizing people or places. Increasing confusion, restlessness, or agitation. Loss of consciousness."

After going thru the list, she told Hotch about his first exam after they had arrived, and then the one she completed just before the phone call; explaining there was no change and that right now, sleep is very good for him, but that he will have to be awakened every 2 hours through the night and re-examined each time. She also asked if he had any drug allergies that she needed to know about. Without going into details, Hotch spoke up and told her that Reid refuses to take Narcotics. She explained that they usually use anti-inflammatory medicines like Tylenol or IB usually for mild head injuries, so that shouldn't be an issue.

She wanted to explain too, "Some people feel normal again in a few hours. Others have symptoms for weeks **or** months. It is very important for him to allow time to get better and to slowly return to regular activities. If the symptoms come back when he is doing an activity, stop and rest for the day. This is a sign that he is pushing himself too hard. It is also important to call his doctor if he is not improving as expected or if you think that he is getting worse instead of better. Rest is the best way to recover from a concussion. He needs to rest his body and his brain. Be sure he gets plenty of sleep at night, and take it easy during the day. Avoids alcohol and illegal drugs  & doesn't take any other medicines unless a doctor says it is okay. Avoid activities that are physically or mentally demanding (including exercise, schoolwork, video games, text messaging, or using the computer). He may need to change his work schedule while he recovers. He will need to ask a doctor about when it's okay to drive a car, ride a bike, or especially when to use his weapon again; being active again too soon increases the person's risk of having a more serious brain injury. Also, using an ice or a cold pack on any swelling for 10 to 20 minutes at a time as needed. He can use pain medicine, as directed. His doctor could give him a prescription for pain medicine, but considering his dislike for them, the doctor will recommend he uses a pain medicine that you can buy without a prescription, such as acetaminophen (for example, Tylenol).

When all the information had been given, and Hotch had once again expressed a deep thanks for them both stepping in to care for Reid, then he bid them goodnight but with the strict order to update him with any change, no matter what time it may be. After the call ended, Morgan & Savanah got up and headed to bed to try to get some sleep as their long night was just about to get started.

On the way to his bedroom, Morgan told Savanah to go on in and he would be there shortly. He stopped by Reid's door as she headed in to their bedroom. Derek fully opened the cracked door and quietly went into the spare room, pulling up a chair that was in the corner. He sat down next to the head of the bed, thinking about how many times he has chosen to sit by his bed when Reid was in a medical condition. As he was sitting there, he leaned forward with his elbows resting on his legs and his hands eventually folded together.

Derek shook his head in disbelief as he wondered how much emotional pain his best friend must be privately struggling with; especially to have been in that deep of a PTSD episode to end up giving himself a mild concussion. He had never really seen Spencer that far into his mind, that it would be a concern to anyone. It was breaking Morgan's heart to know that it was because of having to go through all these painful memories again, that was having the bad effect on Reid, and then contemplated how difficult it would end up being for the rest of the team as they went through theirs. Morgan knew _his_ past cases were definitely going to be gone through, but he honestly didn't think it would affect him as severely as it would Reid; since Spencer had his eidetic memory to haunt him, unlike the rest of them that wouldn't be able to recall every detail to every case reviewed.

He continued sitting there, looking at Reid as he watched the rise & fall of his chest, as it moved effortlessly with each breath. He started to remember back to the case when Reid developed Anthrax and how scared he became for his best friend; as each breath he took, eventually became too much and pushed him in to respiratory distress. It seemed like Spencer was a magnet for trouble sometimes, but he always seemed to come out of it stronger. It was part of what made Reid, Reid. From the time he was 10, when his dad left him – leaving Spencer to care for his mentally unstable mom by himself (enduring so many troubled times alone – because she couldn't even recognize him as her son) until now… Reid continuously "handled things" by himself; because it was all he had known how to do. Morgan often wondered how their junior G.I. man would have turned out, if he had grown up in a stable home life environment, instead of the chaos that molded him. Even with the tragic loss of his father at such a young age, it was now that Morgan was eternally grateful for the loving home he was blessed to grow up in. He decided he really needed to call his mama soon to personally thank her and remind her just how much she was loved by her baby boy too.

Glancing at his watch, Morgan noticed how late it was getting and headed to his bedroom. When he arrived, he found his "sweetness" Savanah sitting up in bed waiting for him. He lifted the covers on his side, slid in until he was right next to her, and then engulfed her in his loving arms. She snuggled with him, not talking, just letting him relax and try to unwind. It was a few minutes later that she felt him kiss her head and then heard the faint whisper of "thank you." She slowly looked up at him and found a few stray tears falling from his eyes. Savanah replied with "your welcome, but it's really not a bother. We are here for him, he is not alone in this". Morgan once again kissed her gently, this time on the lips and leaned back in to their cuddling positions. Before they knew it, both of them had drifted off in to a peaceful sleep.

It was around 3:30, when Savanah had gone back in to check on Spencer, for another 2 hour check. He responded well to her exam and questions, as best he could for having to stay awake- when all he wanted to do was go back to sleep; so she headed back in to bed, making sure to not disturb Derek. "Waaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiiittttttt" ! About an hour later, they both shot up out if their slumber as the scream coming from Reid's room panicked both of them awake. Morgan quickly jumped out of bed and ran into the room across the way to find Reid sobbing uncontrollably. Spencer had curled himself up in a ball, with his knees tightly in his chest with his arms wrapped around them. His head was buried in between his knees and stomach, so all you could see was his hair, but his mumbling was clear… "ME for HER, I made you a deal."

Derek sat in front of him on the bed, calling his name and trying to get his attention. "Reid, man, come on… wake up" "Spencer. Hey kid, over here, look at me". This time he gently held Reids' shoulders and gently shook him… "Reid! WAKE UP." Spencer suddenly stopped sobbing, but was still breathing erratically. He slowly calmed down enough to lift his head up and looked right in to the eyes of his best friend, Derek. "Hey man, are you ok? That was one heck of a bad dream you had there." Spencer looked away as he nodded a "yes", clearly embarrassed and overwhelmed with sadness. Savanah seen Morgan's eyes that seemed to almost understand what the horrible dream was about, as he looked away with tears slowly filling _his_ eyes. She quietly asked Reid if he was ok or if he needed anything before she headed back to bed so they could talk in private. The young agent looked at her, shook his head NO and told her he was fine, it was just a bad dream, but thanks for her concern. She conceded that he was ok, and left the room, telling him to call if he needed her. He gave her a small smile, a quick nod of understanding, and a brief wave of his hand.

After she had left, Derek sat still, waiting to hear from his friend. When he realized Spencer had no intention of talking, Morgan decided he would have to be the one to get him to open up. "You know, I know you are tired and probably would like nothing better than to go back to sleep… if you can, but before you try I need to know… was that about Maeve? Were you dreaming about the loft?"

Spencer quietly said "yes, kind of, but not completely" earning a confused look from Morgan. "Care to elaborate?" Reid seriously stated "No. Not really. It's bad enough I woke you guys up, all I want to do is to get a cold drink of water and forget about it". Morgan just intently stared for a second and then said, "No way man. You can get a cold drink, that no problem. Wait here and I'll even go get it for you. But when I get back, we are talking… ok?" Reid knew there was no way of getting out of this, so he just said "sure, and thanks for getting the drink."

As he waited for Morgan to come back with his drink, Reid started to think about his dream. It suddenly made him start to shake, making his head feel like it wanted to explode. The next thing he knew, Reid was propped up against the bed while sitting on the floor, with Savanah taking his vitals and Morgan using a cool rag to wipe off his forehead. Confusion was becoming a new state of mind to the young doctor and he definitely didn't want to make it a new norm.

A/N: Oh my goodness! You all are so wonderful to me. I love the fact that you are still invested in my story and that we even have new followers every so often! With this being my very first story ever written, let alone a first for my favorite Criminal Minds… I just wanted to let you know "that I am feelin the love"! Thanks for my regular readers & reviewers. You all have a special place in my heart & it does me good to have all the feedback also. SO… please keep it up and continue to READ & REVIEW please! ~~~ Until the next chapter ya'll… take care & thanks again PS… I gave you a little bit longer chapter as a thank you for being so patient with me in between postings !


	14. Chapter 14: Looks Can Be deceiving

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch 14: Looks Can Be Deceiving

DISCLAIMER – I own nothing of Criminal Minds, storylines or characters. I only own my Original Characters & Original Storylines.

" _The next thing Reid knew, he was propped up against the bed while sitting on the floor, with Savanah taking his vitals and Morgan using a cool rag to wipe off his forehead. Confusion was becoming a new state of mind to the young doctor and he definitely didn't want to make it a new norm."_

As Reid began to become more aware of his surroundings, he suddenly felt very nauseous and tried to stand to get to the bathroom before vomiting. Wobbling as he stood, the room started to spin and he lost all muscle control of his legs, causing him to fall in to Derek, who was holding on to him as he tried to ease Reid back to the floor.

Panic was rising inside of the older profilers chest, not clearly understanding what was happening to his friend and why. With one look from Savanah, Morgan was able to subside his fears, as she quietly conveyed a look of complete calm and yet she had a slight puzzled gaze at the same time. Morgan grabbed the nearby trash can for Reid as he dry heaved in to it. Spencer violently shook after he finished and was also soaked from sweat. The biggest concern was how he was absently scratching his left elbow area; initiating an inspection from Derek, as he looked for needle marks from Reid using Dilauid again. Much to Morgan's surprise, he couldn't find any evidence of Spencer shooting up again, at least not in that location.

Once Spencer had finally stopped dry heaving, they helped him get back into bed. He was still shaking, but immediately curled into a ball, trying to comfort & warm himself. Derek told Spencer that he would be right back with some clean, dry clothes for him to put on. Savanah also told Reid that she was going to go get some medicine for his headache and stomach cramps. Reid just nodded an acknowledgement to their statements, as he quietly whimpered to himself.

In the hallway outside his door, Savanah gently grabbed Derek's arm sternly pulling him to a stop. "Alright mister. Give it to me straight, and tell me now. What is he on? I have seen plenty cases of withdrawals to know that he is coming down off of something. I can't help him properly if I don't know which drug it is. I saw you checking his arm for track marks, telling me it is a liquid and not a pill form. So what is it…? Heroine? Cocaine? Morphine? Amphetamines or Meth?"

Morgan just stood there dazed, not believing any of this was happening… AGAIN, but glad that at least this time he would be around to help Reid go thru it. He thought carefully how to reply, and then informed her "it's most likely Dilaudid, but I don't see any marks. Baby you need to understand, it's not like you think. Years ago… Reid was kidnapped, beaten & tortured by an unsub. The unsub name was Tobias, and he also injected him with Dilaudid as a way to control him and then Reid became addicted to it after he got rescued."

Savanah stood there, with her mouth agape, slowly shaking her head in disbelief. "I _know_ how dangerous your job can be, but this… that's crazy Derek! You think of people in our job fields getting addicted to things because of the pressures of the job, as a way to deal or to ecape; but not from somebody doing it _to you_." Derek stood there nodding in agreement and then reached out gently holding her shoulders. "He has worked so very hard to stay clean for so long now; I hate to see him this way. I can't even say for sure that he's using again… it's just that he's clearly showing signs again. I swear… sometimes this damn job seems like it wants to take everything good in his life away from him. I _have_ to help him. He's like my little brother and I can't stand to see him lose his job over this. Is there anything we can do to help him _here_ IF he's going thru withdrawals? So it's not being reported to anyone?"

Savanah looked long into her mans' loving, deep, dark eyes and sighed. "Yes. You know he can detox without being admitted into a facility; BUT… _if_ … that is what's going on; it's safer to be monitored and have immediate medical help available. Let's get our stuff and get back in there so I can PROPERLY assess him now. There are many reasons for his behavior that don't include drug use. I just need to re-examine him to find out or rule out causes. I will do everything I can to help him… & do it from here ~ don't worry."

Upon reentering the room, Morgan came over to his friend and knelt down to get to eye level with Reid. "Hey kid. I've got a change of clothes for you to put on whenever you're up to it." He wasn't sure if Spencer had heard him at first, because it took him so long to reply; but after a few minutes, Reid's eyes opened, and his head nodded a very slow yes. Morgan helped him to sit on the side of the bed and change out of his clothes into the clean ones. Derek noticed how badly Spencer was shaking again and how he wouldn't look him in his eyes. "Reid. Hey look at me. I know something is going on with you and all I want to do is help. After all this time, all these years of being friends and sharing our lives… don't you know you can trust me with anything? … WHATEVER, NO MATTER WHAT… whatever it is that is going on?"

Reid continued to sit there & shake. He was about to speak when Savanah came back into the room; startling him briefly, and making him uncomfortable with trying to talk to Morgan. Savanah offered Spencer some Gatorade, IB, and a cool wash-rag. "Here, take these Spencer and put the rag on the back of your neck. It should help a bit." She explained to Reid that she needed to re-examine him before he got settled for the night, since he was clearly having strong symptoms still. After doing a more in depth examination on him, she looked to Derek and told "them" he was fine and she was going to bed; and to just let her know if Spencer needed her thru the night. She took Reid's hand in to hers and said her goodnight & that she would check on him in a little bit. Then Savanah left the room so the "boys" could talk in private.

Reid sat on the side of the bed, holding and nervously fidgeting with the clean clothes from Morgan. He knew this was a conversation that was going to happen, but there was so much going on in his brain at the minute; that the thought of even trying to decipher it all to have a meaningful talk with his best friend… almost seemed impossible. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk about any of it, he really missed having these talks with Morgan; but right now he desperately just wanted to change his clothes, climb into bed and try to sleep for a while… again.

It was strange, but Morgan could almost read the clear thoughts in Reid's head, just by reading his body language & facial expressions. As he looked at his friend, the thing that was sticking out most in his mind was how exhausted Spencer looked; so Derek decided to keep it short… if possible. He hated keeping him up to talk about it, but figured if it could at least be spoken about… then maybe it would be enough to let Reid sleep for a while. "Hey man, get those dirty clothes off & I'll throw them in the hamper while you change into the others… ok?" Reid complied and waited for Derek to return from the hamper in the bathroom. Trying to get comfy under the blankets, Reid slightly winced when his head rested on the pillow. Morgan placed a soft ice pack under Reid's head wound and got a relieved look of appreciation as the coolness started to alleviate the discomfort.

Morgan gently sat on the end of the bed, shifting his body to face Reid; trying how to get the young genius to open up – comfortably - about such a traumatic subject, without causing him more distress. "I know you're tired & hurting so this won't be long; you need your sleep so the healing process can begin. But… you said earlier that your dream was 'kind of' about the warehouse & Diane. Care to elaborate?" Meaning it more of a statement and not actually asking it as a question, because this was just too important to not be discussed.

Spencer shifted nervously, cleared his throat, took in a deep breath & sighed it out slowly before he began…

***** A/N ***** SO VERY SORRY for the delayed update. I've been dealing with a lot here of late and then injured my knee, preventing me from getting to finish & post this. HOPEFULLY, it will all be getting back on track soon. Thanks again for all of you who have been reading, watching for a new post, and following. I appreciate each & every one of you ! enjoy & please review


	15. Chapter 15: Revelations Revealed

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch 15: Revelations Revealed

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Criminal Minds. No copyright infringement intended. I ONLY own my thoughts portrayed through this story, My Original Characters & my Storylines…

 _Spencer shifted nervously, cleared his throat, took in a deep breath & sighed it out slowly before he began… _

As he sat there, shifting nervously in the bed, trying to articulate so many words and thoughts – so they would make sense to Morgan as they came out of his mouth- Spencer finally closed his eyes and started to explain… hoping he didn't sound crazy when he was finished.

"Ummm, have you ever had a dream that is actually a memory… a really bad memory, that is from a long time ago… but ummm, when you recognize the memory, it actually has different people in it – rather than the ones who were originally involved?" Morgan sat there next to Reid, at the foot of the bed, cautiously shaking his head yes in agreement but not speaking so he wouldn't interrupt his friends thinking process.

"Derek," (this made Morgan nervous because they rarely called each other by their first names), "I _was_ back in Diane's warehouse, in _that_ moment… right before she killed Maeve. She was standing there with the gun in her hand, aiming it at her head… laughing this huge belly laugh that came out of no-where. Diane looked deep in my eyes and then pulled the trigger… except this time it wasn't Maeve who died; it was me. She quickly aimed and shot me right in the heart then proceeded to open fire on each of you, fatally wounding all of you… while I fell to the floor – still aware of what was happening- as I struggled to breath  & focus and watch each of you die… because of me !"

When he finished, Spencer was almost beside himself in grief and tears, sobbing and holding his head to try to stop the uncontrollable pounding that had overcome him. Morgan stood up and walked up to the head of the bed, kneeling down next to Reid, running his hand over Spencer's arm, in an effort to get him to calm down. "Pretty boy, listen. It was just a dream. Try to calm down. We are all fine. Diane is _**still**_ dead and rotting in hell, and you are alive and THANK GOD… you weren't shot in the heart. _**None**_ of us died and this was **NOT YOUR FAULT**. What happened was a tragedy, yes; but none of us blame you for not being able to save Maeve. And you can bet your Einstein ass… if Maeve was here to tell you herself, she would tell you that she doesn't blame you either." Shaking his head, he continued. "Pretty Boy, to be honest … I have wanted to apologize to you ever since it happened. I made you a promise out on the stoop that day, in front of Diane's apartment… that I should NEVER have made to you; do you remember what it was?"

Spencer laid there wiping his eyes and looked up at his friend, who was now sitting right next to him on the side of the bed. As Reid tried to recall the conversation and the promise, he started to look upset and worried. Deciding to sit up & lean back against the headboard for support, Reid emotionally said, "Morgan, I have an eidetic memory… but for some reason… I can't remember _that_ talk. I know we stood out there talking, after you made Diane go inside… but NO I don't remember what you said or promised me."

"Well Reid, that's probably because you were so very upset at that moment. You know… I was worried about you. I hadn't seen you that unnerved in a very long time. Let me see if I can help you remember. You told me about a phone conversation you both had. At the end of it she had told you 'bye, I love you' and you were upset because you hadn't said it back to her when you had the chance. You also said you had only been able to have 100.5 days of communicating with her. ." Derek had been looking at his shoes while he recalled this statement. When he look back up, he saw Reid with tears flowing slowly down his cheek. "I told you… Yes, you would get more time with her. I should have never told you that. I'm sorry. I just really believed we would save her in time."

In a very hushed voice, Spencer stated "Yes, I remember that now." Derek reached out to him and put a comforting hand on top of his shoulder. Getting ready to speak to Reid after a few minutes of quiet between them, Derek chose to pause as they both started to say something at the same time. "Do you know how much I _actually_ loved her, Morgan?" Derek sat there shaking his head, looking at his best friend quizzically, trying to figure out where this was going to go.

"Derek, the day she went missing… I had been asleep on my couch dreaming. When I became aware of the dream, I found myself standing in an all-white room, dressed in a tux, clearly in a church with a huge stained glass window; all of you were there, on the left side of me - seated in the front row, and with Garcia on my right side. She was standing there officiating the service… MY, no… OUR wedding service; Maeve and mine." Heavily sobbing at this point, Reid caught his breath. "Morgan… I was so in love with her… I wanted to spend all of eternity with her. I understand it's hard for some of you to get this connection we shared. Considering we had never even met face-to-face; but _we_ had an instant connection… from the first moment we talked. GOD, MORGAN… even after all this time… my heart feels like it's just an empty shell. I know I'm being irrational, that odds are I will eventually meet someone else I will fall in love with; but…"

"But what Reid? Com' on man… don't shut down now; but WHAT? " Derek was sensing more to his friends' thoughts, but could see Spencer putting up his emotional walls just that fast. "Reid, I know there is stuff you wanna keep personal, just for your minds… but I know you are struggling to get this out. Just tell me, kid. I'm here for you. We'll figure it out together… OK?"

Choking on the words that started to leave his mouth, before he could even try to organize them better Reid looked at his best friend, tears flowing down his cheeks, and lowered his head down. "M-Morgan, I j-just feel so consumed with g-guilt. Not only at not being able to save her… god that is bad enough; but there was sooo much more that you don't know about that happened up in that warehouse room. I've never told anyone about the details. When I think about it… (He starts to shudder in disgust) I just… I f-feel… d-dirty. I am such a horrible lying loser. Hell… I couldn't even lie good enough for 10 seconds to fool Diane. I _almost_ had Maeve released, b-but… I just… I couldn't lie to save her life."

Puzzled by what Reid was saying, Derek tried to comfort Reid and yet get him to talk more… because _clearly_ this was eating his mind alive and keeping him from healing and moving on. "Reid, what? What lie didn't you tell good enough & what made you feel dirty?" Not really liking THAT part of Reid's statement. He knew there wasn't enough lapsed time for any kind of a sexual interaction to have taken place between the two; but the way the genius shuddered at just recalling his thought, worried Morgan.

Reid didn't really know if he wanted to tell Morgan something so disgustingly personal, but decided he had already opened that particular door… so he might as well walk thru it. "Remember when I got to the top of the steps with the blindfold in my hands? Well, once I got to the top of the stairs Diane made me put it on & then led me into the room where Maeve was sitting. I was led to a chair with the gun pressed into my back. Diane then stood behind me as I spoke to Maeve. Even though I couldn't see her… I could sense her presence. Diane started telling me how smart I was for figuring out her riddle, all the while she was p-putting her h-hand d-down my… shirt. Feeling my chest, rubbing her hand over it, caressing my n-nipples as her breathing started to hitch. – Damn it, Morgan! Diane was getting off on _touching me_ … with Maeve having to sit across from me… watching the whole thing."

A/N: OK… well there you have it. Chapter 15 is yours for the reading, enjoying & reviewing if you so choose. I would like to once again say a special Thank You to all my faithful readers. You all ate the best! I seriously enjoy seeing everyone's reviews, new followers & favorite's alert messages. Believe it or not, I never envisioned it being this long of a story. I had an idea, wanted to put it out there and see where it went. I have discovered the more you write it out, the more there is to write! And the crazy thing is… I haven't even gotten to the main idea I originally had for this story - LOL. But every new journey begins with small steps until you get to where you were going… and I see the journey getting very close to the main event… so stay close & enjoy the ride ya'll ! Plus, Chapter 16 will be done soon, so watch for it ! THANKS AGAIN EVERYONE. PEACE OUT & BLESSINGS TO YOU ALL until next time


	16. Chapter 16: Guilt & Blame

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch 16:

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Criminal Minds. No copyright infringement intended. I ONLY own my thoughts portrayed through this story, My Original Characters & my Storylines…

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… _with Maeve having to sit across from me… watching the whole thing_."

Spencer leaned over his legs, trying to shake off the feeling of needing to vomit and consciously focusing on his erratic breathing from the memory recall. Once he calmed down a bit he started back talking. "I sat there… letting her, so I could come off as sincerely interested in her. I told her how I had read her thesis and was very impressed with it. I explained that the government would work with her because of her mind. At one point I felt the barrel of the gun pressed against my chest, right at my heart. I told Hotch once that I do some of my best work under extreme terror… but at that moment, when terror was all I was feeling for Maeve… my mind betrayed me & wouldn't let me think of the next step I needed to take. I could hear Maeve hardly breathing as she listened to us talk. She had to see me tell Diane that I hoped I got a chance to be with her, that I chose her over Maeve. I told her there could never be anyone else. She wanted me to 'prove it'… by telling it to Maeve's face. She ripped off the blindfold, & there sitting in front of me was Maeve. She was even more beautiful than I could have ever imagined. M-Morgan… the first time I ever got to lay eyes on her, the love of my life, the star of my dreams… and I had to look at her… face-to-face… and lie, while being convincing. I had to look at her and tell her 'I don't love you. Sorry.' Oh my god Morgan… I looked right in her eyes, and instead of telling her what I wanted to say for so many months but didn't… I looked into her beautiful eyes and boldly told her 'I DON'T LOVE YOU'. She looked crushed. She tried to hide it with an 'I understand' reply… but Morgan, I hurt her so badly.

Morgan sat there, silently taking it all in, feeling sick for what she put him through. Then Reid continued, "Diane wanted to kill her at that very moment because she wasn't needed anymore. I told Diane to not shoot her, that way Maeve could live with the knowledge that Diane was smarter than her. She started to untie Maeve's hands, but stopped & said she just wanted Maeve to see one more thing. Diane came back over to my chair, leaned down to be even with me, pointed the gun at my chest again… and… in-instead of shooting me, she started to… k-kiss me. It was a long, passionate kind of kiss, and I tried… I really did try… to play the part, but my lips wouldn't succumb to her desires." I'm such a failure, Morgan. ALL I had to do was pretend to be into Diane. Just long enough to get Maeve to safety, but I couldn't do it.!"

"Maeve sat there, watching this little make-out session we were having; at one point I heard her breath catch. I peeked out of my eye and could see she had to turn her head, because it was too much for her to see. I must have been watching her for too long, or lost my focus; because the next thing I know… Diane is screaming 'LIAR' at me. We struggled for the gun, it went off a couple of times before it made contact with my arm… & that's how I actually got shot. Poor Maeve, she was so scared. She was sitting there, struggling to get out of her restraints and I go and get shot. I was so useless to her.! By the time you got up there, Diane had freed Maeve & pulled her into the 'shield hold'. The rest you all know." Spencer just sat there shaking, his hands now covering his face, his knees bent up under his chin as his head & hands became confined to them.

"You want to know what's really funny though Derek?" Reid said while his head was down. "Those first two days, after she d-died… and hid away in my apartment; I couldn't stand being around you all, talking or hearing you guys. Not because I was too ashamed at myself, NO… it was because I was so mad at all of you! I always knew, in the bad of my mind, if I couldn't pull it off & save her… you guys would have my back and do whatever was needed to get the job done. I ACTUALLY BLAMED YOU ! I think it was easier blaming you guys so I didn't have to rightfully put the blame where it belonged… on me. I was the one up there negotiating with Diane. I was the one who told you all I could handle it. I was the one who couldn't pull off a simple lie… not you guys… it was me, all my fault! Oh how I wish I could go back from the very beginning and do it all over again. I would do things so differently; starting with telling you guys about her from the very first moment. I wish you could have known her, Derek. She was the kindest, most caring, gentlest, funny & smart person you would have ever met."

Shocked at the conversation that had just been shared; Derek found his mind reeling at the genuine feelings and emotions, and graphic recall of the most horrible night and event in his best friend's life. He effortlessly moved over to be right next to Reid; wrapping his arms around him the best he could, and comforted him until the sheer exhaustion finally took hold and quietly pulled Spencer into a dark, abyss of oblivious sleep.

Morgan gently eased Reid down, when he could finally move him and then sat back down in the chair… concentrating his thoughts on this strong, young man he called his best friend; wondering where it all went wrong with them. There was a time they would share everything. He didn't know how he missed seeing Spencer in such turmoil & distress.

He knew Reid didn't his dad in his life, in the years he would have learned so much from him about dealing with emotional issues… but he amazed Derek every time he would overcome yet another loss or major hurdle in his life. But to hear all the pent up anguish, guilt, and other feelings come oozing out of Spencer, Morgan couldn't help but feel responsible too, for not being a better friend and big brother to him. He wasn't exactly sure how to do it, but right then & there… Derek Morgan decided that was the end of Spencer Reid's lonely journey. He would always be there for him, making sure he knew where Reid's head was, and that he wasn't getting lost in all the baggage that came from life. Like his mama always taught him… 'It's always easier to carry a burden with the help of someone, than it is to carry it all by yourself'… and Morgan would be damned if Reid would have to deal with emotional things on his own ever again.!

Looking at his watch and seeing it was already in the wee hours of the morning, he gingerly got up from his chair and crept across the hall to his bedroom. Before leaving Spencer's room, he shut the door just a tad bit, so the hallway light could shine in to give the room a soft glow without giving it a full brightness look.

Climbing into bed, Morgan tried to not disturb his sleeping girlfriend. It had been such a long night and he seriously needed some sleep; but he couldn't get his mind to stop replaying everything he had been told. He hated to admit it, but he honestly didn't know the deep connection Reid & Maeve shared. He thought Spencer took her death so hard because of other reasons… like not being able to save her, or because he had never really experienced a personal loss in his life; but to think his best friend wanted to marry this woman and grow old with her… and he had never officially even been told about her… made the pain cut like a knife in his own chest. He couldn't even comprehend how badly it would hurt if anything like this had happened to Savanah. They had been together for a couple of years now, sharing life and its moments. They had been able to spend more than 100.5 days communicating, and it made him wonder; If Reid was hurting this bad from a relationship with a girl he had never seen and only talked to on the phone or letters…. Then how horribly bad would it be or hurt, to lose someone so tragically that you had shared life with. No wonder he's been withdrawn and unsocial at times! Selfishly, Derek hoped that is a loss he wouldn't never have to deal with.

He looked down next to him, smiling at the beautiful sleeping woman laying by his side; gently kissed her cheek and wrapped his arm over her. He was so grateful to have her in his life. It saddened him- that once again, Reid lost someone good in his life. As Derek closed his eyes to get the rest his body was craving at this hour, he made a mental note to text Hotch in a few hours when he gets up. Aaron would be wanting an update on Reid and quiet truthfully… Derek was wanting & needing to talk with him about the things he found out. He knew it wasn't going to be something that would get Reid removed from the team; but Morgan was at a loss on how to help his friend when he has never experienced a tragic loss like Reid & Hotch have. Sometimes you go through things in life so you can be a blessing to someone else who will go thru the same thing and will need to see that they will survive it and come out on the other side stronger & better. Derek decided what Reid really needs is to talk to someone who can help him get to the other side, someone who has swam the troubled waters before him. Yes, Morgan & his unit chief definitely need to have a one-on-one conversation tomorrow; because Dr. Spencer Reid is just too important of a family member to just barely hang on in life.

With that last thought in his mind, the dark abyss called Morgan's name too and he gratefully allowed it to pull him in, as the warmth of her body and the beating of their hearts cradled each other into a slumber of love and contentment.

A/N: Well, I hope you enjoyed this chapter as much as the others. It sure is fun to create & write !


	17. Chapter 17: Sharing Insights

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch 17:

DISCALIMER:

A/N: I am so TRULY sorry for such a long delay in between postings. I could give you my list of reasons, but I have chosen to spare you the overwhelming details of my Crrrazzzzy life ! So, I will just end with begging for your forgiveness LOL

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… _the warmth of Savanah's body and the beating of their hearts cradled each other into a slumber of love and contentment._

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The warmth of the sheets was slowly beginning to disappear and caused Derek to awaken & stir. Slowly stretching, he smiled as he rolled over onto his stomach, taking in the scent of his girlfriend's shampoo left behind on the pillow. Laying there totally stress and worry free, he took in a long deep breath and closed his eyes as the sleep fought to reclaim him.

He wasn't able to lay there in his stress-free oblivion for too long, before Reid came to his mind. As the memory recall started from the previous day and their late night; Derek found himself tensing up and his breathing becoming difficult; almost like as if couldn't fill his lungs with enough oxygen. His mind began to race and an intense need to go and check on Spencer drove him to exhale sharply as he urgently threw his legs over the side of the bed. The unexplained panic rose from his chest to his throat, making him feel sick to his stomach.

After throwing on his lounging pants and a t-shirt; he briskly made his way over to Reid's bedroom door. Morgan immediately stood still as he waited to watch for Spencer's chest to rise and fall in a steady breathing pattern. Upon seeing his best friend still in a deep, restful sleep; Derek slowly released the breath he had been holding. He knew what Reid needed most to do today, was to rest and try to deal with the aftermath of yesterday's emotional roller coaster; but convincing Reid of that might prove to be a challenge.

He started to smell the aroma of freshly brewed coffee coming from downstairs. He crept up behind Savanah, as she sat at the table with her eyes closed, feeling the warmth and enjoying the enticing aroma from her big cup of coffee. She slightly jumped as she felt Derek's arms come from behind her and then fell back into them as he embraced her. He leaned down and kissed her neck, then walked around to the front of her, and passionately kissed her lips mumbling a "Good Morning" in between.

While he sat across from her drinking his cup of coffee, Morgan listened as she updated him on a much improved Spencer. Derek was relieved to know his little brother had gotten over his nausea and settled into a peaceful sleep with good responses every time Savanah would check on him. After a little bit of quiet sitting, Derek looked up at his girlfriend and asked her if she would mind staying with Reid for a while? He explained that he really needed to update Hotch and didn't want to do it there at the house, he also needed to talk with him about a couple of other things too.

After Savanah happily agreed to watch over Spencer, Morgan texted Hotch to set up a meeting place and time. He quickly went and showered, got dressed for the day, then checked in on Reid one more time before heading out. As he was about to walk out his bedroom, Spencer appeared before him, about to knock on the door. As both men stood there surprised by each other, Reid asked Morgan where he was going and Morgan explained he had a few errands to run and would be back soon. Derek asked him how he was feeling and was relieved when Reid told him "a lot better… that a good night sleep must have been a big help." Morgan nodded in agreement and told him that Savanah had the day off and would be around the house all day; so if he needed anything to let her know and he would be back in just a little bit. Spencer nodded and asked "do I smell coffee…?" with a questioning little smile on his face.

Savanah brought over a small cup of coffee, as Spencer sat down and ate some toast she made for him. He looked up at her and apologized for being a burden on them. She shook her head no at him and explained that she would not hear of such a thing. As she sat across from him, she explained that "he was family and this is what family does for each other."

Reid finished his toast and got up to get a little more coffee when Savanah jokingly scolded him while explaining he needed to go easy on the caffeine for a couple of days. She recommended that he go lay down for a couple of hours and when he woke up, he could have a little bit more coffee with his lunch. Not wanting to disagree with her and her expertise, he agreed and headed back up to his room. He briefly stopped and asked her if she thought it would be ok if he took a quick shower? With her reply of "yes, that would be fine. Just be careful of the bump on your head", he proceeded to head back to his room to gather his things for his shower.

Meanwhile, Morgan entered the coffee shop across from the FBI building, looking around the room until he spotted his Unit Chief; who was sitting at a table located in a corner, away from the busiest tables, obviously to give them some privacy for their talk. Seeing that his boss had already purchased his beverage and seemed to be enjoying it; Morgan nodded with a hand signal that he too, was going to get something to drink and would then join Hotch afterwards.

After Derek had sat down with his drink, Hotch started up the conversation immediately; not even bothering with a typical greeting. "Before you get going, I wanted to let you know that I have already spoken… texted to be correct, with Savanah earlier this morning. She had checked on Reid at 6 o'clock and decided to update me with his status, since you were up late with him and were still sleeping at the time. I feel comfortable and competent with her caring for Reid, so that is not an issue. I trust she will let me know if anything arises with his health. However… Derek, what I need to know… is… _how_ is he? His mind set? After yesterday's emotional episode… I am extremely concerned right now. I need to know whatever you can tell me… no matter what it is… please don't hold back – speak freely."

"Hotch, I was totally and utterly in deep shock and maybe even a bit distressed by the open conversation Reid and I had last night. He shared things… deeply hidden emotions, thoughts, and experiences… that I had _no_ idea he was dealing with. He doesn't share these things with _anyone…_ he has no-one… not really. He shared some of these personal things with Maeve; and we used to be close- sharing things about life- but things changed over the last couple of years… we're just not as close as we use to be. I think a lot of that falls on my shoulders; I got wrapped up in building my relationship with Savanah and… and I let our friendship become neglected. I've never been in as serious of a relationship as I have with her… and just wanted to give it my all… but that pushed him out of my life and any free time I had. I never thought about him being lonely or not having a close friend or confidante – like he had with Gideon. Hell… at least _**he**_ invested in Reid; he saw the emptiness and loneliness that the kid has lived with most of his life. Gideon took him in, brought him under his wing, and tried to teach him the social interaction he wasn't taught by his father or mother. Oh I'm sure she tried to be a good mom, In between her episodes… but… I really came to see how _**we are his only real family.**_ I know his dad has kept in touch with him a couple of times over the years since that time in Vegas, but not like he should have; and it hurts Reid, pretty badly. All that kid has wanted all his life is to feel loved and accepted… not just for his brain, but for who he is. He finally had a taste of that with Maeve." Morgan stopped briefly to take a drink and to think about what he had just shared and what else was yet to come. Taking a long low breath, he collected his thoughts again before beginning.

"He lives with so many unspoken fears on a daily basis; it's no wonder the kid doesn't sleep well most nights. The fear of letting everyone down by not finding the unsubs fast enough, or not being good enough, of losing this job- this family unit-, of waking up one day and finding out he has inherited his moms illness, of never finding love again and being lonely the rest of his life… just to name a few. Not to mention that unlike us, he recalls _EVERY detail_ of every case, every crime scene photo, report, or conversation had with unsubs or their victims. We have the ability to forget, to block it out of our minds – even in only for a while- but he can't. Do you know how that eats at him? He says it doesn't bother him, but how could it not? It affects all of us, surely it gets to him too. The bags under his eyes are a clear sign that his mind doesn't shut off long enough to give him a good night sleep. Do you know that was part of the allure to the dilauted? It would shut his mind off, even if only briefly, so he could actually rest and not dream. Hell, if I had his mind… I would probably look for a way to shut it down too, even if it meant going to an unusual source of relief." Shifting nervously in his seat, Morgan looked up at Hotch as he tried to get a read on his boss' thoughts.

Aaron could see his friends troubled face, sensing there was more to come, and finally spoke; "Derek, I know this hasn't been easy to talk about Reid like this… and I know this conversation isn't over yet, judging by the look on your face; but we must remember why we are doing it. We need to be there for him, in any & every way we can. By knowing these details, we will be able to support him, help him, and yes, even be the family for him that he has never had and needs. Honestly, there are times when I have thought of him as a son or younger brother; and as much as it hurts to hear these things… I know it will be in his best interest in the long run. I have permission to be gone as long as needed from Chief Cruz. I didn't tell him details, just that it was some time I needed to take - to tend to some personal things. So you don't have to rush through this. Take as much time as you need and when we're done here… we will decide what we need to do and what is the best way to help him. He doesn't need to worry… and neither do you, about him losing his job. Whatever is said here today will not result in that action… not even if you tell me he's back to using again."

Derek nodded and said, "Thanks. This isn't very easy… and I haven't even gotten to the tough part yet. If you don't mind though, let's go find us a restaurant to get some food; it's almost lunch time and I haven't eaten yet and could really use some nourishment and energy. Plus, this place is going to get pretty crazy shortly, and I don't really want anyone overhearing what I need to say next."

Wondering to himself about all he had just heard and what could possibly be even more upsetting and private; Hotch nodded in approval to the lunch suggestion. The two men got up from the table and left together in Derek's vehicle to go grab a bite to eat and to dive deeper into the troubled, genius mind of their friend, Dr. Spencer Reid.

A/N: WELL…. HERE IT IS…. FINALLY. !

Once again… I profusely apologize for the long delay in updates and will try to get back into a more frequent, regular posting schedule as soon as I can. As always, Thanks for sticking with me & I truly hope you enjoy this chapter as much as you have the rest of the story. I promise what will be coming soon will not be disappointing. Just please hang in there. And don't forget… I love I when you read & review !


	18. Chapter 18: Painful Lessons from the Pas

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch 18: Painful Lessons from the Past

DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately I do not own any of Criminal Minds, their storylines, or their Original Characters. I only own my Original stories and Original Characters.

 _The two men got up from the table and left together in Derek's vehicle to go grab a bite to eat and to dive deeper into the troubled, genius mind of their friend, Dr. Spencer Reid_.

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Neither of the two men had any idea how this conversation was going to impact them in the long run, but after arriving at a local bar and grill for their lunch; the time had come to get to the main point of this gathering.

Morgan sat staring at his drink, periodically looking up at his boss, trying to choose which words he needed to begin. He was grateful that Hotch didn't pressure him, but instead gave him the time and space he needed to organize his thoughts. After about five minutes Aaron looked at Derek and told him, "No matter what you choose to tell me, I will understand the confidentiality of where it is coming from and I will not take offense to anything you say either. I realize we have dropped the ball on being there for Reid… for quite some time now, but we have the opportunity to come together and help him when he needs it most. Blame can be our enemy, but it can be a teaching tool also; so if there is something that you feel or he has said, that may come across as offensive or hurtful… don't hold back. We need to understand _everything_ : every emotion, thought, or mindset he has expressed or felt."

Derek took a drink and then began shortly afterwards. "I don't really know where to start, but I can tell you there are a lot of things that need said… so we are at our best when it comes to being there now for Reid." Hotch looked at his friend and nodded, as a sign of agreeance; but never interrupted, as Morgan regrouped his thoughts and started in again.

"Hotch, my momma always taught me - from the time I was a youngster – that we don't always understand why things happen sometimes; but that everything happens for a reason. One of her biggest beliefs is that God allows certain things to happen to certain people… so that they can be a help to someone else going through the same thing or similar situation. She calls it 'being blessed- by being a blessing to someone else'. These words came back to me last night while I sat next to Reid's bed watching him sleep. It was at _that_ moment that I really started to understand how these words applied to Spencer and to all of us." Aaron sat silently eating his food while paying complete attention to his subordinate.

"I have learned so much about him, since the first day I met him; but it seems like the more I learn about him, the more I feel like I have just met him and know nothing about him in the process. Spencer Reid is made up of so many layers, that _if_ you could get him to let down his defense walls and open up… it would take days of peeling away layer after layer just to scratch the surface; and there would still be years of layers to undo. Sadly enough, as we have come to know, most of his layers involve deep hurts and coping mechanisms. Yes, there are layers of achievements, love, friendships, etc… but if you could really see what makes up Spencer Reid; like what little bit he has shared with me… you would be amazed that he has survived this long. Let alone the fact that he has done as well for himself as he has."

"We make it our job to study human behavior, to learn from each other on how people think, handle life challenges… become the kind of people they are. But now, we need to take our knowledge and life experiences and apply them to how we can show him that we understand how he feels. Maybe not in everything he has been through; but there are so many things… that we can at least make him see others have gone through it, too. He has felt so alone and isolated, (he calls it being independent most of his life)… but he has never really felt like he belonged or was a part of something… until he came here - to us.

Derek stopped talking for a few minutes to allow himself to take a couple of bites. While waiting, his boss took a long sip of his iced tea and leaned back in his seat, leaving his hands resting on the table. Aaron had a look on his face that Derek couldn't exactly read, which spoke volumes to him in this moment; since his boss usually had a very neutral looking expression. This caused him to gently shake his head in concern. Both men were in total disbelief that this was really happening. After years of being such close co-workers - that they often referred to themselves as a family; no one could believe Reid was struggling with these issues.

"You know, Hotch… I hate that this part is going to be so hard on you; but I can definitely say that _**you**_ are the best person to talk to Reid about what I'm about to say next. Even now, after these last couple of years, Spencer can't stand to speak Maeve's name without tearing up. In fact if you _really_ watch him… you will even see his body language slightly change, his breathing becomes faintly labored, his palms start to sweat, and most noticeably… you can almost see his mind relive that moment over again, as if it just happened. He still mourns very deeply for her and worst of all… he still feels extremely guilty for her death. He told me things that went on up in the room with Diane, after he left us. She had him put a blindfold on, which brought back some bad childhood feelings of when he was bullied. Seriously Man, I had no idea that psycho bitch manipulated him and his emotions to the extent that she did. It wasn't bad enough that she took away his woman… no, she left a lasting impact on his brain that he will never be able to forget."

Clearing his throat and his eyes becoming tear filled, he continued. "When Foyet had you on the phone, he gave you a moment…a gift actually. A special place in time…a chance for your mind to have time to accept that Haley was going to die. You two were able to share things… precious memories, thoughts, and feelings; moments for you to be able to recall with a bit of happiness. Yes, the sick bastard was maniacal and also left a horrible memory for you to live with too; but you still had Jack… a reason to carry on, even in the darkest hours."

"Reid… he was left with so much more… powerful, painful _touches_ and memories, conversations, unspoken words, and feelings. But the worst part, besides what Diane did and left him with… was the fact that he had his eidetic memory to recall all these things… vividly. But even worse than those… she left him with the image of breaking Maeve's heart – to her face – having to tell her ' **he didn't love her.'** That was the first time they saw each other. And those were the first words spoken to her face by him. It devastated him and her at the same time, but for different reasons. We will never know if Maeve understood that he was lying to save her; but to Reid… it was the lie that ended her life. That he wasn't good enough of a liar to save her. Those hurtful words, were not the words he wanted to say to her for the first time they got to see each other. "

"Not to make light of what you experienced, by no means, man… but you at least got to tell her you **loved** her and didn't have to live with the image of her death, ingrained permanently to relive over & over." The words hit him like a lead balloon to the face and a cannonball to his heart.

Derek had no Idea how idea how impactful his words would be on his boss… his friend. While he knew the thoughts and memories associated with this time in Hotch's life would be difficult, Morgan never expected to see such pain and anguish brought on from the mere mention of the incident. Immediately he started to feel guilty for causing Aaron such emotional pain again; but he needed to let Hotch know that _his pain_ no matter how deep it runs, is just as real – if not more so- to his youngest team member.

"Hey man, I'm sorry. I hate bringing up _this_ subject… but Reid really needs someone who understands, who really understands - not just sympathetically but personally – the real pain and guilt he's feeling. He told me once after Maeve died, that he doesn't know how to deal with personal death. We experience death with our cases, but it's not the same; it's not up close and personal. The only person even somewhat related to him, which has died, was an uncle who passed when Spencer was very young. The reason he spun out a little bit with Gideon, was because that was only his second time experiencing a deep hurt from the death of someone. His dad leaving him was the first time he felt loss, but it wasn't a death and he was too busy caring for his mom to get to actually go through the process of abandonment  & loss."

At this time Hotch spoke up. "You know, we all go through things, but I can say I guess I've never really considered what effect life has on each of us." Shaking his head at the realization that was hitting him, Aaron slowly exhaled and looked at Morgan. "I can't believe I didn't see that he still responded to her death that way. We try to follow the unspoken 'no profiling each other' rule; but I'm afraid I have maybe neglected him too much Derek. You're right. I needed to hear this, I need to step up and help guide and teach him how to handle these things better. If Jason was still around, he would have done such a better job at it than me. He was so good at mentoring him and all I did was close myself off to him when he needed me the most. My experience… my guidance. I get so caught up in my life and the job… I just try to distant myself – not getting too involved in all of your personal lives."

Morgan looked down at his empty plate and then told Hotch, "we all try to not pry into each other's personal lives; we wait to be invited in and only accept whatever space is allowed. You know that as well as I do. Don't be too hard on yourself. Trust me… I know how easy it is to feel guilty over it. Hell, I was awake most of the night in deep thought and guilt myself for not being a better friend to him than I have been these last couple of years. I have tried so hard to focus on my relationship with Savannah, that I kind of left him behind to deal with things. Me & him… we used to talk about things; but now… not so much. I have decided to make Reid more of an importance in my life. We need to be there for him… I… need to be there for him more. It's hard for him to come to you with some of these personal things because of the boss/employee thing. Plus, he doesn't want to come off as weak or to bring up bad memories for you too."


	19. Chapter 19: Unforgiven Guilt

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Chapter 19: Unforgiven Guilt

DISCLAIMER: Sadly, I own nothing of Criminal Minds, their storylines or their Original Characters. I only own my Original Storylines and my Original Characters.

" _Plus, he doesn't want to come off as weak or to bring up bad memories for you too."_

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Upon hearing those last few words out loud, Hotch sat back with a huff and crossed his arms over his chest. He shook his head in disbelief and chuckled. Morgan was a little confused by his behavior until his friend spoke and clarified his demeanor. He leaned forward, closer to Morgan and continued, "After all these years… after everything this unit has been through together, after all the times we've shared- times of turmoil and loss, with all the situations we've all faced… he still thinks of himself as weak, doesn't he?"

Derek nodded yes and sighed. "Hotch, how in the world did he ever get that image of himself? He has been through so much more than most people, even more than any of us; and yet he just keeps proving how strong he is. He has survived countless situations that would have made most seasoned agents walk away from the job; kidnapped & drugged, addiction, anthrax contamination, one on one interaction with some of the most vial serial killers out there, not to mention dealing with a personal trauma from childhood, a sick mother who he _still_ cares for, countless unsubs that we've arrested that he could relate to personally; AND the major losses of a longtime friend and mentor and also, his girlfriend. And yet he still considers himself weak?! There have been many times that I wish I could go back into time to be there for him. He needed to have a big brother… to help him with his mother, to teach him things his dad never did (that you can't learn from a book), and to be there to defend him when he was being bullied."

The rare emotions of anger and frustration started to overcome the Unit Chief; just at the thought of how badly his youngest friend has been suffering and how he had not stepped up to help him more. Aaron looked at Derek and stated that he was going to have a special, long talk with Reid very soon; he would need to figure out a place and time with some _especially chosen words_ that would help Reid and not offend him or to make him shut down in the process.

Feeling a mixture of emotions over this much needed talk; the both of them let out long sighs and decided to end their discussion. Before they could leave, as they were getting up and ready to walk out; Hotch stopped and put his hand on Morgan's shoulder, completely catching him off guard.

"Derek, I know how hard this was for you… not only discussing Reid like this, but being completely honest and upfront with me about these issues and feelings. I hope you truly know… any of you can come to me with _anything_. Seriously… anything. I never want to feel like this again about any of you. I want to 'be a blessing' to any of you that I can, even if it means having to go through tough and painful experiences from my past. I may be the boss… but I count myself as a more of a friend when it comes to all of you. You all are my family, too. We may be a bit dysfunctional at times, but we are there for each other in good and bad."

Morgan smiled, nodded his head in understanding and then extended his hand to his boss and friend. After saying their goodbyes, the men parted their separate ways, with Morgan agreeing to text with an updated status on his best friend, before Aaron went to bed for the night.

When he arrived home, Derek was pleasantly surprised to find his best friend stretched out on the couch next to his girlfriend with their dog, Clooney; in Derek's favorite big oversized leather chair. There seemed to be a Doctor Who episode on the T.V., but both of them were fast asleep. Deciding on letting them sleep, he quietly went over to Clooney and patted his head and then went into the kitchen to make dinner for them.

About an hour later, Savannah walked up behind Derek and gave him a hug from behind. He was busy cooking something on the stove. He turned around and passionately kissed her, looked into her eyes and told her how much he loved her. He told her that things went well with Hotch and thanked her once again for all of her help. He also explained that his boss was wanting an update later before bed. Then they continued to work together to finish preparing dinner.

Savannah and Derek sat at the table and quietly ate the steak dinner he fixed. They decided to leave Reid sleeping, justifying the fact that he needed his rest. Before they were completely finished with their meal, he awoke and joined them in the dining room. As he sat and ate his supper, Spencer asked Derek if he knew if Hotch was going to allow him to come into work in the morning.

Morgan looked at him and asked if he was feeling like he could handle it? Reid answered, "Yes. I definitely feel like getting back to work. My head doesn't hurt and hasn't for the last 18 hrs. I have a lot of work I need to get done… and being here, as nice as it has been having the two of you taking care of me; I really want to… no… _need_ to get back. We will never be ready for the Review Board if we don't have the files to go over. I don't want to be the reason we are in trouble or worse… the group to be split up. We know how they can be! There have been numerous times they have threatened to do it, and I for one don't want to give them a real reason to do it."

Looking intently at Morgan, he continued, "Gideon and Rossi started the BAU and I feel we owe it to them to be prepared. I would feel terrible if we became the laughing stock of the FBI just because we couldn't answer these stupid questions they feel we need to ask us. I was stupid when I let myself become distracted and then got hurt like that; I really need to get this done. I need to finish what I started."

Derek sat there listening and shook his head no. "Reid, you have a serious head injury. I don't know if it's good for you to be back in that environment so soon. I don't want you to have more problems from being exposed to those files and overworking yourself either." Reid sat there, glaring at the floor, clearly trying to keep himself calm while beginning to feel coddled. Savannah spoke up this time and suggested a compromise after seeing her patient started to become agitated.

"Derek, honey, as his temporary doctor; I feel that he is doing well enough to return back to light duty. I can re-evaluate him tomorrow night after you guys get home, as long as Spencer is willing to go along with my recommendations AND if Hotch agrees to them also. It will be a good trial for him to see if he's ready or if there will be any side effects from the concussion. But… Spencer here are my terms: you will not be left unattended for more than 30 minutes at a time (in case you get a migraine), no major physical exertion, you have to eat on your breaks and lunch, and… limit your caffeine intake as well. Do you think you can go along with this?"

Spencer looked down at his empty plate and thought for a few seconds, then met her eyes and nodded in agreement. Savannah noticed the change in body language in him, and sensed something was still bothering him. She got up out of her chair and came around to kneel in front of him. Grabbing his hands into hers so she would get his undivided attention. "Spencer, what's wrong? Do you not feel well?" He looked at her, then glanced over at Derek, and then back down to his feet. "I just hate being babied. I never grew up with it very much, so it's hard to deal with it when it does happen. I understand your restrictions and if that's what it takes to get back to work then I agree."

She stood up and pulled him up with her. Then she gently wrapped her arms around him and hugged him. Whispering in his ear, "Hey, I'm really sorry you feel like I am babying you, but you are very important to me and I would feel horrible if I let you return & something bad happened because of my carelessness. You are family and I am not going to let anything happen to you as long as I can prevent it." Then she let go of him, but leaned in and kissed his cheek. He blushed a little bit and told her thank you.

They all got up and cleaned up the dishes while reminiscing about the old days. Retelling when Morgan and Reid had first met, how Derek gave Penelope her 'baby girl' nickname, previous prank wars, and how Spencer use to do 'magic tricks' during work and some of the different states they have traveled to in the past years together; sharing the memories with Savannah, laughing at how young they had been. After the dishes were done, they settled in to the living room for a movie before bed.

Reid stood up, yawning and stretching after the movie was over, and excused himself for bed; allowing his best friend to have a little bit of 'alone' time with his girlfriend. As he started to head to his room, he stopped and looked back at the couple as the cuddled up into each other's arms. He became a little teary eyed, wondering if this is how it would have been for him. He must have stood there just a little too long, because Morgan looked over his shoulder and watched him. Embarrassed at being seen, Spencer quickly waved goodnight and entered into his room, closing the door.

Savannah looked quizzically at the look on her man's face, as his eyes lowered and slowly had tears roll down his cheeks. Derek silently cried as his lover caressed his face, allowing him to release the emotions that had been building the last couple of days.

Morgan finally was able to stop the tears and compose himself after a while of being lovingly held by the only arms he wanted holding him. She gently asked him if he was ok or wanted to talk. Derek motioned for them to go to the bedroom for a little more privacy to talk, but he really didn't want Reid to come out and see his moment of weakness; because he was sure Reid would feel guilty and blame himself for Morgan's tears.

Once in the room, Derek and Savannah were about to talk when her phone went off. Morgan grinned slightly, nodding in understanding that she needed to answer it. After she ended the call, she went over to him… grabbing his hands and wrapping them around her waist, leaning her head onto his chest; then deeply sighed. He cupped her chin in his hand & lifted her face towards his. "Baby, its ok… I understand. You are a doctor and emergencies happen. We both have demanding jobs that call us away at a moment's notice. Go. Save a life. I will be here when you return." He sighed and said, "I need to try to get ahold of Hotch anyways & give him an update… including your recommendations, too."

Within a few minutes she was dressed for work, giving him a passionate kiss goodbye, and walked out the door. She stopped to peek in on Reid before she left, but didn't bother him when she saw his body peacefully asleep in the bed. She made a mental note to text Derek and let him know, after she reached work.

Meanwhile, the phone on the nightstand next to the bed started buzzing. The bedroom light was already on, but the files in his hands were quickly laid down on his lap, as the 'boss man' as Garcia liked to call him, retrieved it to pull up the new text message from Morgan. Upon reading the message, a slight grin came upon his face as he read the improving Reid. He knew Spencer would be anxious to get back to work, but with Savannah's approval AND restrictions, the Unit Chief felt a lot better about allowing it to happen.

Unfortunately though, Hotch had a sickening feeling that this situation with Reid, was only going to get worse before it gets better. He learned a long time ago that you have to trust that 'little small voice' in your head when it comes to certain things… and this was definitely one of those times. Yes, Spencer Reid would be a top priority with him, as long as it was needed to help pull him through this difficult time; but even more importantly, Aaron committed to being a better friend to someone who deserved so much more from all of them. They all have said the old saying 'that time heals all wounds' at some time or another; but Aaron learned a long time ago that 'unforgiven guilt will slowly eat your soul'… and he was not going to allow Spencer to go through that pain… not like he has.

A/N: OK, thanks to everyone who continues to read & enjoy my story and a BIG WELCOME to any new readers, too ! Your faithfulness, kind words, and suggestions me the world to me. I hope you enjoy this chapter too, but my promise for a big surprise chapter is still yet to come… so hang on, it won't be long ! Thanks again


	20. Chapter 20: The Chat

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Ch20: The Chat

DISCLAIMER: I own nothing of Criminal Minds, its Original stories, Original Characters, or the wonderful memories they have given us! I do own my OC's and my Original Storylines.

 _"… and he was not going to allow Spencer to go through that pain… not like_ _he"_

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The update from Morgan that night was very good news. Aaron responded with a message for Reid, that he had permission to come in to work in the morning; but Hotch would need to see him first thing when he arrived. After the ending the phone call, Aaron started thinking… _again_. He found himself chuckling as he spoke the words out loud…"If I don't stop thinking about this, I won't get any sleep tonight." But the same tormenting thoughts that had plagued him all day long, seemed to be going to keep him company through the night.

The rest of that night, Aaron's thoughts were invaded by painful, vivid memories that kept him from getting any sleep. He had become very good at keeping his emotions under control, but the more he thought about his earlier conversation with Derek, the more the memories flooded to the surface. It wasn't long until he found himself sitting on the side of his bed, with tears streaming down his face, as he held his favorite picture of Haley; consumed with his own feelings of grief and guilt.

The raw feelings of recalling Haley's last phone conversation with him, hearing the sound of Foyet's voice taunting him, the sobbing sounds coming from her as she realized her death was close, and the fear in her voice as she accepted that she wouldn't be around the keep Jack safe… let alone the sadness they shared at having to say a permanent goodbye; started to overwhelm him until the tears came and refused to yield. He hated the way their marriage ended, but was so grateful that she _allowed_ \- NO… more accurately… _encouraged_ \- him to have a close relationship with Jack, even after they separated. He cried even harder when he thought again about how easily Jack could have died that day too, at the hands of his greatest enemy.

As dawn approached the sleepless night crept away, leaving Aaron feeling exhausted and even more determined to help his youngest profiler deal with the guilt and unspoken feelings that have plagued him since Maeve's death. Losing someone you love is definitely hard; but having someone special to you… be killed and not being able to save them is even harder. But to lose that special someone… _right in front of your eyes_ AND not being able to save them (while it's technically something you are trained to do for your job)… **that has got to be the worst of all hurts,** or at very least… in this particular line of work.

Hotch sat in solemn disbelief about how he never really thought about Reid's perspective about Maeve's death. The Unit Chief remembered a brief conversation he had with Rossi… one day at work, as they discussed "how it must have hurt to not be able to even say goodbye"; but the emotional pain that subject brought with it for the Unit Chief… was just too much to deal with at that time, so Aaron had decided to push it back into the depths of his mind with all of the other emotions he would handle some other day.

Deciding that the day needed to start, the Aaron quickly got into the shower to begin his daily routine. Before leaving for the office, he sent a brief text message to Dave. "Please stop in my office when you get in today for a quick chat." After making sure it sent, he put his seatbelt on and drove to work. He needed to get Dave's thoughts on an idea he had; hopefully before Reid came in for the day. Aaron knew the uncommon text would come as a surprise to Rossi, but that it would display an unspoken urgency to him, too.

Once he arrived at work, Hotch was pleasantly surprised to see that he had arrived at the office before Spencer. He knew that usually Reid would have been there first, but since he would be coming in with Morgan today, it gave him about an hour to decide exactly how long he would allow Spencer to work and what tasks he would let him to do that wouldn't overstress him. He wanted Reid to have the confidence that the team needed him, didn't blame him or think of him as weak; but yet at the same time, wanted him to know they were concerned for him & wanted to provide a safe and stress-free work day too. It would definitely be a "kid gloves" kind of day where his resident genius was involved.

It wasn't but maybe a half hour after Hotch arrived that a gentle knock came on his door. David Rossi entered with two cups of fresh coffee, probably from the new café across the street, with a concerned smirk upon his face. As he handed a cup to his friend, he shook his head at how tired Aaron looked. He sat across from the Unit Chief saying, "Well, I was gonna ask you if everything was ok… but from the bags under your tired, bloodshot eyes, I can see you clearly aren't. What's weighing on your mind and keeping you up at night Aaron? Does this have anything to do with you taking the day off yesterday? And does it does it involve our resident genius?"

Taking the coffee and then leaning back into his chair, the exhaustion seemed to become more evident to the older Italian, who was sitting across from him. Aaron took a long look at Dave and let out a long breath while shaking his head. "Too many thoughts from the past kept me company last night. They were brought on by a conversation I had yesterday with Morgan… and yes, it was about Reid."

Rossi continued to keep his silence and allow his friend to continue. "You know my old friend, when Jason left all those years ago, he was more than a boss or mentor to all of us… he was basically a father figure to the younger ones. Upon his absence, I somehow took his place in that role. We, this team, have been through a lot… individually and as a team. I have always tried to do my best for this team, this family; but I can honestly say that the disappointment I have in myself regarding how well I've handled Reid… well let's just say it runs very deep."

"Aaron, you can't feel responsible for everyone's lives, especially their personal lives. Yes, it is an important role, being boss and friend; but just like being a parent, you have to find the middle road on being the authority figure and friend. While it's hard knowing the difficult life young Spencer has had to endure… those same situations have made that young man the very person he is today. He looks up to you for guidance on certain things, but he also is a very private person at times that builds walls as a security shield to help him handle things on his own, too. We are not always granted access to those sectioned off areas, so it makes it a bit more difficult to help him with things. All we can do is to watch for cracks in those walls, which finally gives us an opening to speak light into those dark areas."

"I know that Dave, and I actually accept that and watch for the opportunities as they arise. What really bothers me is that he is so young, even now ten years later than when he joined… and sadly, he already belongs to our little select group. You, me, and Jason… we have all lost someone at the hands of our job. Ripped from our lives by an Unsub. It is a group that I wish didn't even exist, but the fact the Reid is in it… it just isn't right. Do you know that he still has a hard time with her death? He's consumed with so much guilt."

"I feel like I have let him down, by not noticing how he's dealt with it. This group started with Jason. He dealt with it by leaving. When Haley died, I shut everyone out and handled it on my own in private. It was only with Erin's death that Spencer actually had a visible way to see someone close to him, deal with a close death. He had never experienced loss in that way. There is so much he knows, and yet, so much he doesn't. I need to start paying more attention to him. Everyone on the team has someone, except him. He needs to feel like he belongs and is needed, but not just for his intelligence."

Rossi sat forward, putting his mow empty cup on the desk in front of him and said, "I understand. Everyone needs to feel wanted and needed. It's human instinct to want to belong. So, if that's how you feel, then that's what you should do. Hell, we all should. We are a family and we don't have any third wheel members. And for what it's worth, I don't agree with your assessment either. You have been an excellent role model for him. His father is the one who abandoned him all those years ago, not you. You may not have taken him by his hand and sat him down to teach him how to deal with things, but you have lead by example. He watches… all of us. That is how he learns. I bet if you asked him outright… he would agree with me on all of this too."

The Unit Chief nodded to his friend in agreeance. "I wanted to run this idea by you. I think we need to have an impromptu gathering. I was thinking… maybe we could plan a family dinner at your place this Saturday? It could be a poker night. That would be a sure way to get Reid to attend, without making it a direct order. We need to make him want to be there. I didn't know if you had plans already, so I wanted to run it by you first, plus I was hoping you would organize it… so it doesn't look like my idea. You have such a good talent for this kind of thing anyways?!"

"You can wipe that little smirk off of your face Aaron. You know I am the host with the most. And yes, it sounds like a wonderful idea. We haven't gotten together for a while now. I think we are well overdue for a fun night at the mansion. Good food, fun and plenty of spirits to go around. Maybe I can have a little surprise for him too. I'll have to work on that!"

Rising from his chair, Hotch walked over to his mentor and reached out to shake his hand. Rossi accepted his hand, but surprised his worrisome friend when he pulled him into a friendly short hug, patting his shoulder as they parted. "You know I don't get nearly enough of those these days. It's nice to be hugged every now and then. Human contact is needed by everyone, and since I don't have a child to go home to every night… let me just say Thanks."

Aaron looked at him and told him "Anytime my friend, anytime. And thanks for getting here early and for the chat. And for doing this for me… for us." David responded, "Anytime my friend, anytime." Earning a genuine smile from each of the older profilers.

A/N: Just a sincere thanks to everyone who is reading & reviewing, and following still. I love the notifications that let me know you're out there and waiting for more. Thanks again and I hope you enjoy!


	21. Chapter 21: Together

FINDING ABSOLUTION

Chapter 21: Together

DISCLAIMER: Unfortunately I do not own anything that is Criminal Minds. I do own my Original Characters, Original stories, and ideas. I am borrowing CM characters, past stories, and settings for temporary use in my story. Thank You to CBS, the actors & crew for allowing us to watch this wonderful show every week.

\- CMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCMCM-

" _David responded, "Anytime my friend, anytime." Earning a genuine smile from each of the older profilers._

As the team started trickling in, Hotch sat at his desk, waiting patiently for Reid – still unsure of what he would say to the young subordinate. He had spoken with Section Chief Cruz already about Reid's recuperation and return to work status. Chief Cruz had also decided that he would try to delay the board inquiry until next week, if possible, to allow them more time to get prepared. The last thing he wanted to do, was to add any more pressure on the team concerning this inquiry.

As Morgan and Reid walked off the elevator, Derek protectively stepped in front of the genius – with his hands extended out – in an effort to stop the brightly colored force that was about to overcome them. "Easy baby girl, easy! Don't knock him over. We don't want him to get _another_ concussion. He just got here."

Garcia came to an abrupt stop as she approached the two profilers. Reid found himself unable to stop laughing as the scene unfolded before of him. A very furious Penelope stared Derek down then looked over his shoulder at Reid. "I'll have you know Derek Morgan, I am not going to injure my junior G-man. I just wanted to welcome him properly with a huge hug from his biggest fan!" She shoved her 'chocolate thunder' out of her way, and proceeded to engulf Reid in the biggest hug he had ever received from Garcia… or anyone for that matter!

"I am so very glad to see you here. Make sure you don't get too busy today! If you need to lay down at any time… I have my lair already perfectly set up for your arrival for a quick nap – _if needed._ " Spencer pulled apart from Penelope and whispered "thank you, Garcia" in her ear and then gave her a cute little grin of appreciation. "I am sure I'll be fine, but I will keep it in mind. You really didn't have to go to any extra trouble for me… I know you are super busy."

Penelope gave him a small glare and then spoke her peace. Gingerly, but yet forcefully to make him understand. She placed her hands on his cheeks and looked directly into his loving, brown eyes, "I want you to understand something. OK? You, my dear genius, are super important to me and if there is _anything_ I can ever do to help you… all you have to do is say so. Got it?!"

With his nod of understanding and an uncomfortable moment of silence; Reid accepted her statement and reconfirmed his acceptance of the offer. He then excused himself from the two of them, so he could go to his desk and put his stuff away. Before he could walk away from his desk… so he could eagerly try to go get a hot cup of coffee to start his work day; Reid looked up and saw JJ walking up to greet him.

After a few moments of hugging, reassuring her that he was ok, and a mild motherly scolding from his best friend about being needlessly embarrassed about being injured while at work, Reid and JJ went their separate ways. At this point Reid was _desperately_ yearning for his sugary life substance and was hoping to not be interrupted before he could obtain it.

Before he could indulge in his first sip though, Mogan came up behind him and reminded him that Savannah wanted him to limit his consumption of it for the day. Spencer looked at Derek, nodded a big YES, then grinned from ear to ear as he savored the aroma & flavor of the _almost_ scalding hot liquid… as it slid down his throat; earning a small chuckle from his friend as he turned around and walked to his office.

As Reid stood in the breakroom drinking his coffee, he glanced at the clock and decided to get back to his desk. Leaving the breakroom, he glanced around the room and saw Morgan leaving Hotch's office. He assumed that Morgan was giving their boss an update and remembered that the Unit Chief wanted to speak with him too, first thing this morning. So, after setting his cup down on his desk, Reid headed up to see his boss. He didn't really mind going and seeing Hotch, especially since they have such a good relationship as boss and as friend; but for some reason, he felt like a young child having to go see the principle.

A light knock was placed on the door of the Unit Chief, while a fidgeting Reid waited for a reply. He soon was asked to enter and was greeted by his boss looking up from his paperwork with a rare, small smile on his face. Hotch walked from behind his desk, closed the door, and motioned for Reid to sit in one of the chairs in front of his desk. As the two got ready to have their conversation, Aaron tried to relax the situation and also Reid, who was clearly nervous for some reason. He leaned on the edge of his desk in a sitting position.

Reid shifted in his seat, then leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees… all the while looking at his shoes. He took a deep breath and exhaled slowly; then he looked up at his boss and long-time friend. Very cautiously Aaron began, "Reid, How are you feeling today? Are you ready to be back or do you want another day or two off to rest? I am asking out of concern. I want you to stay if you feel well enough to work, but you know the limitations Savannah has suggested and that I totally agree with."

Spencer sat up straight and looked into the face of his supervisor. Nodding with confidence he answered, "I am feeling much better, thank you for asking and for the concern. When I was down there in the PIT, I completely got caught up in the memories associated with the personal cases I was pulling for review. I know you warned us that it could happen, but I never thought it would have that strong of an effect on me. I can usually distance my emotions, compartmentalize them for later use, if needed. You know… my eidetic memory never lets me forget the details of a case, but I have learned how to push the emotional attachments aside so they don't interfere with my duties."

Sighing deeply again, Reid finished saying, "Physically, I am fine. The headache is minimal and it is being controlled with the IB she gave me to take and my vision is back to normal too. Emotionally, I can only say that I'm uncertain if I will have another episode of the overwhelming emotions that crashed down upon me. But I will gladly agree to and welcome any other restrictions you give me. I _can_ do my job Hotch. I know without a doubt that I can; but if you would feel better giving me a shadow – someone to follow me around - then I'm ok with that too. I completely understand how upset I made you all feel and the last thing I want is to give you any other reason to worry about me."

Now the moment the Unit chief had been waiting for had arrived. He looked at his team genius for several minutes before speaking. "Reid; Spencer… I want you to know that I trust you and that I am not even slightly concerned about your abilities to do this job. You are more than my subordinate, you are part of this team… our family. What worries me is the pain these cases will possibly make us _all_ deal with; experiences that we would all rather forget – to be quiet honest. If anyone can help get us thru this, it is you. With your memory recall, you will help us remember details that we might have subconsciously forgotten – as our own coping mechanisms. But it pains me to think that all these drudged up cases could have the strongest impact on you because of that very ability. It's bad enough that you will be helping us with our cases, but then, also the painfully personal cases that you were involved with. One of the characteristic traits that you have that I admire most about you, is the way you see every person as a person; not just a killer… but as someone who has a mental problem _and_ how you try your hardest for a peaceable outcome so the Unsub can get the help they so desperately need."

Spencer sat there feeling totally in awe of what his boss had just said about him. For years he had felt that way about his mind, torn between hating it as the curse it felt like sometimes and trying to use it for making the world a better place. He always wanted to make his mom proud with his life, even if she wouldn't always remember everything he'd accomplished or approve of him working for "the government fascists" that she so passionately despised.

He had not realized - even after all these years, just how much his boss actually understood that there were demons involved in having an eidetic mind; that it wasn't just a tool to be used or a blessing to have, but it could be a downfall also. Spencer sighed a small sigh and then looked out towards the bull-pin.

"You know Hotch, I have always wanted to do something right with my life that would also leave a positive imprint on the world. When I guest teach or speak, I feel like I can at least share my knowledge & the love of learning to eager minds; instilling in them a desire to want to do the same one day. When I took this job, so many years ago… I had no idea how it would impact my life. Even with all the negative experiences I've gone thru… this is where I belong. I even questioned that once… several years ago, and when I thought long & hard about it, I came to the only conclusion that was right for me; and I am here still _yet_ today because _THIS_ is where I WANT to be. "

"I truly appreciate the support and concern from you, but I am honestly telling you that I AM OK. _If_ the time comes when I feel so overwhelmed with this job that I can't do it any longer… _you_ will be the first one I come to for help and advice. While this recent task we face will probably be disruptive or at the very least uncomfortable to all of us, I want _more than anything_ to be here to help anyway I can. What happened the other day was an unplanned consequence to **my** inflated ego that 'this won't affect me'. I needed to become aware of my own shortcomings so I can plan better, to finish the task at hand."

The Unit Chief looked at his friend & subordinate nodded his head in understanding. "OK Reid. I trust you and your decision; but I want you to abide in my own safeguards I have in place for you. I want to keep you safe from any more harm – not just physically but mentally also. Go and do what you need to do, but do it with caution, awareness, and most importantly… don't push yourself. The director has personally emailed me and told me to have you come to his office sometime today and see him. Please just let me know before you go, so I won't worry about your absence. Take as much time as you need. All of this will be here when you get back."

Both men stood. Hotch walked Reid to the door but stopped before he opened it, leaving his hand on the doorknob. "As I said earlier… we are a team, a family. We celebrate together, grow with each other, and even grieve with each other. We will get thru this as a team… together. We accepted, worked, and solved these cases TOGETHER. There is no I in the word T.E.A.M. Please let me know when you are ready for **all** of us to come together  & revisit these cases." And with that he put his hand on Spencer's shoulder, giving it a small squeeze as a sign of unity, and allowed Reid to leave.

A few minutes later, with resolute conviction of accomplishing his task set before him and a fresh cup of hot coffee; Spencer knocked on the door of David Rossi. The senior agent opened his door and engulfed Reid in a hug after they entered his office. "Ummm Rossi… what was that for?" Spencer asked inquisitively. "That my dear genius was because you scared the hell out of me the other day and I just needed to know that you are okay."

Reid smiled as an acknowledgement of sentiment and concern. "I'm very sorry I scared you, it was very unintentional I assure you." Trying to lighten the mood he gently chuckled and stated, "Evidentially, I am not as immune to the buried feelings of the past as I thought I was. Yes, I am OK and yes, I guess you will get to see first-hand – since Hotch has requested and I would like to ask for you to accompany me today… as my shadow and overseer."

David Rossi looked at the man standing before him (whom he thought of as the son he never got to raise) and shook his head no. "Reid, our friend Aaron may have requested it and I may go along with you, but I will be damned if I will be your 'shadow or overseer'. We will work side by side, doing whatever we need to do, but we will do it as a team because _that is what we are_! There will be coffee breaks, laughter, and yes even quiet, somber times as we dive into these cases and evidence boxes… but from now on… for any and all of us – we will be united- not mere individuals. I have your back and I trust you will have mine. There are a lot of boxed up cases that have had a personal impact on each of us. I'm just glad that we will be doing it together. Now… shall we go and get started?"

And with that… both men exited the office of the BAU co-founder and headed down to The Pit to start their task for the day; each man working next to each other, feeling the unspoken support from the presence of each other being there.

A/N: Well… I'm sure you're surprised to see this way overdue update. To say I'm deeply sorry for the long wait would be mere words… but it is truly heartfelt. Life can get so complicated sometimes. So to make up for it… here is my next chapter for you all and it is definitely longer than usual. Hopefully it's not too long. Enjoy and please feel free to review and comment or suggest. I will be trying my darndest to be quicker with the next update. Please stay with me & my story and a BIG WELCOME to my newest readers/followers.


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